How adoptive parents can talk about difficult or unknown parts of their child’s story

In our last blog, we explored life books - what they are and why they matter for adopted children. We saw how they can anchor a child in their past, present, and future, helping them make sense of who they are. But we also acknowledged that life story work can sometimes feel overwhelming, especially when parts of a child’s history are painful or unknown. Adoptive parents often wonder: How do I share difficult truths with my child? How do I fill in the gaps when I do not know the answers myself?

This article offers adoptive parent advice grounded in developmental psychology, attachment theory, and trauma-informed research. Rather than broad suggestions, you will find concrete, emotionally safe strategies to use when creating or revisiting a life book with your child. These approaches help children process emotions, ask questions, and hold uncertainty, while strengthening their relationship with you as their adoptive parent.

Why the unknown matters as much as the known to adoptive children

Children naturally build a narrative identity, a story of who they are, through the information available to them. For adopted children, that story often contains gaps. Research in developmental psychology shows that children who cannot integrate their history are more vulnerable to identity confusion, which can affect belonging and self-esteem later in life. When the past is unclear, children often invent their own explanations - sometimes comforting, sometimes distressing. By openly acknowledging the unknown, you help prevent these imagined stories from taking hold in harmful ways. For adoptive parents, addressing uncertainty directly is one of the most valuable forms of adoption support you can provide.

Use emotion words as building blocks

A child who can name their feelings is more able to regulate them. Neuroscience shows that naming emotions reduces stress and supports resilience. Adoptive parents can make this practical by cutting out emotion words like angry, safe, curious, hopeful for children to stick into their life story book. This externalises emotions - taking them out of the child’s body and onto the page - so they feel less overwhelming. Over time, children learn emotional vocabulary that will support them not only in life story work but in everyday relationships.

Create “pause pages”

Life story work should never be rushed. Trauma-informed research highlights that children need pacing; too much information too soon can dysregulate them. By including “pause pages” in the life book, blank or half-blank pages that say “to come back to later”, you give children permission to take time. They can decorate these with drawings, colours, or stickers until they are ready to revisit them. For adoptive parents, this strategy offers reassurance: it is better to go slow and safe than to push forward too quickly.

Try metaphor and symbol

Metaphors help children engage with difficult experiences indirectly, which feels safer. For example, a locked treasure chest can represent unanswered questions, while a bridge can symbolise moving from one family to another. Research in child therapy shows that symbols can contain overwhelming emotions more effectively than words. For adopted children, using metaphors in life books allows them to approach painful material without becoming flooded. Adoptive parents can support this by suggesting images but letting children choose which feel right.

Build a “feelings timeline”

Identity work is not just about facts but about feelings. Adoptive parents can help their child create a “feelings timeline” alongside the chronological events of their life book. Using colours, stickers, or symbols, children can map how they felt at different times - sad when moving placements, happy when starting at a new school, anxious during times of change. This separates what happened from how it felt, both of which are important. Research shows that integrating facts with emotions strengthens narrative identity and supports mental health.

Include present anchors

Adopted children need to feel secure in the present, even while exploring difficult parts of the past. Attachment theory emphasises the role of a safe base, which allows children to tolerate uncertainty and return to stability when emotions become overwhelming. One way to build this into life story work is to dedicate pages to the here and now - what your child enjoys, values, and experiences today. This grounds them in the fact that their identity is not only shaped by their past but is alive and flourishing in the present.

Practically, you might create a section of the life book called “Today I am…” where your child can add photos of their bedroom, drawings of their favourite toys, or lists of things they currently love, like football teams, music, or favourite foods. Another idea is a “snapshot of my life” page, updated once a year with school photos, best friends’ names, and favourite activities. Some families even use a “my top five” format: five things that make me laugh, five places I feel safe, five people I love spending time with. These lists can be playful yet powerful reminders of their present-day self.

You could also incorporate sensory anchors. Encourage your child to paste in a wrapper from their favourite chocolate bar, a ticket from a cinema trip, or a postcard from a place you visited together. These everyday mementos make the life book more than a history, they make it a living record. For children, seeing that their story contains joy, fun, and belonging right now helps balance out the harder parts of their history. For adoptive parents, this practice communicates something vital: your life did not begin and end with adoption, you are still writing your story every single day, and it matters.

Use questions, not just facts

Adoptive parents sometimes worry that they will damage their child by admitting “I do not know.” But research shows that validating uncertainty is more supportive than ignoring it. Instead of skipping unknowns, write down your child’s questions as they arise: “I wonder if my birth mother liked football,” or “Did my birth father play an instrument?” This models curiosity and communicates that not knowing is okay. It also leaves open the possibility of discovery later in life.

Practically, you can dedicate a section of the life story book to a “wonder wall” or “curiosity pages.” Use colourful sticky notes or question-mark stickers where your child can add thoughts whenever they come up. For example, if you are filling in a page about their birth family but do not have photos, you might include a pocket where your child can slip in their own drawings alongside questions they have. You could even make a routine of revisiting these pages every few months to see if new questions have emerged, or if old ones feel less important.

Another helpful approach is to use “I wonder” sentences together, rather than direct questions that can feel too sharp. Instead of asking, “Do you miss your birth parents?” you might write, “I wonder what your birth mum’s laugh sounded like.” These softer phrases reduce pressure while still leaving space for emotion. Over time, the book becomes not just a record of facts but a living reflection of your child’s inner world, their memories, their hopes, and their unanswered questions.

Co-create rituals for hard pages

Trauma research emphasises the importance of safety when revisiting difficult memories. Adoptive parents can create small rituals to support this process. Some families light a candle before reading a painful section, others agree to take a walk afterwards, or share a favourite snack. These rituals create a safe rhythm - reminding the child that hard conversations begin and end within care. Over time, they learn that pain can be revisited without being overwhelming.

Keep options open with inserts

Life story work should grow with the child. Adoptive parents can add envelopes, flaps, or inserts to life books so that new drawings, letters, or details can be included later. This flexibility reflects reality, stories evolve, and understanding deepens with age. Adolescents, for example, often re-examine their early life with fresh questions. Inserts ensure the book remains living and adaptable, just like the child’s identity.

Let them be the illustrator

Drawing activates different parts of the brain than words, supporting emotional processing in children who may struggle to verbalise. Adoptive parents can encourage children to illustrate scenes, people, or feelings in their life story book. These images, whether abstract or detailed, become a powerful form of expression. They also give children ownership, reminding them that the book belongs to them, not the adults around them. This builds empowerment and agency, essential elements of adoption support.

Final thought to adoptive parents

Life story work is not about producing a polished scrapbook. It is about helping your child integrate their past, live with unanswered questions, and feel secure in the present. For adoptive parents, approaching difficult or unknown parts of the story with honesty, creativity, and compassion is one of the most healing gifts you can give. By using strategies like emotion words, pause pages, metaphors, rituals, timelines, and inserts, you not only help your child tell their story, you help them feel safe within it.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team

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