Navigating identity, independence and risk during teen years | a practical guide for parents

Adolescents who have been adopted are not only managing the normal struggles of growing up - discovering who they are, learning to make decisions, pushing boundaries - but may also be navigating deep-rooted questions about their identity, independence, and personal safety. Understanding these intersecting challenges is vital for adoptive parents who want to support their child with compassion, consistency, and awareness. In this blog, we explore how identity formation, the need for independence, and risky behaviour can manifest in adopted teens - and what practical, empathetic support looks like.

Understanding identity in adopted adolescents

Identity formation is a central developmental task during adolescence. Young people begin to question: Who am I? Where do I belong? What are my values and goals? For adopted teens, these questions can take on greater weight due to the presence of adoption-related experiences such as loss, ambiguous grief, and, in some cases, trauma.

Many adopted adolescents experience what psychologists call genealogical bewilderment - a term first introduced by Sants (1964) to describe the psychological disorientation and identity confusion that can arise from not knowing one’s biological origins. This concept has remained particularly relevant in adoption research and practice, as it highlights the emotional significance of familial and genetic continuity. When children are raised without access to key information about their birth families - such as medical history, personality traits, ancestry, or even the reasons behind their adoption - it can leave significant gaps in their personal narrative.

During adolescence, these gaps often become more difficult to ignore. This is a developmental stage marked by the search for identity and a growing awareness of how family background shapes personal values, behaviours, and a sense of self. Teens may begin to wonder: Why do I react this way? Is this personality trait inherited? Do I resemble anyone in my birth family? Without clear answers, these questions can cause emotional discomfort and even anxiety. The lack of a cohesive life story can lead to a feeling of being incomplete or “cut off” from a deeper sense of self-understanding (Howe & Feast, 2000).

The experience of genealogical bewilderment is not limited to curiosity. For many adopted teens, it may manifest as sadness, frustration, or even anger. Some may feel a persistent ache or longing to know more about where they come from, while others may downplay its significance in an effort to protect themselves emotionally or to maintain loyalty to their adoptive families. It is also not unusual for adopted adolescents to feel guilty about wanting to know more about their origins, especially if they fear that such questions may hurt or offend their adoptive parents.

In cases where teens are from a different ethnic, cultural, or racial background to their adoptive family, genealogical bewilderment may also intersect with cultural identity confusion. This can lead to feelings of isolation or not fully belonging either to their family or to the cultural group they physically resemble. For these teens, genealogical bewilderment is not just internal - it is also reflected back to them in their daily social experiences.

Understanding this concept is vital for adoptive parents. Recognising the validity of your child’s desire to know more about their origins - and supporting them in exploring these questions - can be a powerful way to affirm their identity. It is not about replacing or challenging your role as a parent. Rather, it is about helping your child build a stronger, more integrated sense of self.

It is common for adopted teens to revisit earlier questions about their adoption story or begin asking new ones. They might wonder why they were placed for adoption, what their birth parents are like, or whether aspects of their behaviour or personality come from their genetic background. These are not just curiosities - they are part of a deeply human desire for self-understanding and coherence.

What can parents do?

Stay open and curious

When your teen begins to ask questions about their past, their birth family, or the circumstances surrounding their adoption, it can sometimes trigger unexpected emotions - both for them and for you. As a parent, you might feel protective, rejected, or unprepared to revisit painful aspects of the adoption story. However, it is vital to respond not with defensiveness, but with openness and genuine curiosity. Your teen is not questioning your role as their parent - they are searching for pieces of their own story, and your willingness to engage with these questions without judgement sends a powerful message of unconditional support.

Instead of waiting for your child to raise these topics, you can also gently initiate conversations by saying things like, “I wonder if you ever think about your birth family?” or “You know it’s always okay to ask me anything about your story.” Keeping the door open reassures your child that they do not have to suppress or hide these important feelings. This approach fosters trust and creates emotional safety, even when the questions are hard.

Normalise difference

Many adopted teens feel an underlying sense of difference - whether from their family, their peers, or their community - and this feeling can grow stronger during adolescence. If your child is visibly different from you due to race, ethnicity, or physical appearance, or if they feel different internally due to personality or temperament, it is essential to acknowledge this openly and positively. Normalising difference means going beyond colour-blind or “love is all that matters” narratives. While love is a critical foundation, it does not erase the social, cultural, and emotional realities your teen may experience. Saying things like “We do not see colour” can inadvertently invalidate their lived experience. Instead, affirm their differences and the richness they bring to your family. Help them understand that belonging does not require sameness. You can also use books, films, and media that reflect diverse family structures and backgrounds to stimulate discussions about identity, belonging, and the value of difference. This helps your teen understand they are not alone, and that their experience is both valid and shared by others.

Support cultural exploration.

If your teen comes from a cultural or racial background different to your own, helping them build a connection to that heritage is not just enriching - it can be essential to their sense of identity and self-worth. Cultural exploration might include attending festivals, visiting cultural centres, trying traditional foods, learning the language, or reading about the history and achievements of people from their background. However, it is important to recognise that this process should be led by your teen’s interest and comfort level. Forcing cultural activities may feel performative or patronising. Instead, create opportunities and show that you are invested in learning alongside them. For example, you might say, “I found a documentary about your culture, would you like to watch it with me?” or “I noticed there’s an event next weekend that celebrates your heritage, shall we check it out?”

If your child is reluctant or uninterested at a particular time, that is okay too. Just knowing that the invitation is always open can make a lasting difference. Your commitment to learning, especially when it is outside your own lived experience, shows deep respect for your child’s identity.

Consider therapy

Adolescence is often when identity questions become more urgent - and more emotionally charged. For adopted teens, these questions can stir up complicated feelings of grief, loss, anger, confusion, or rejection. While you may be doing everything right at home, there are times when professional support is necessary to help your child process these complex emotions. Therapists who specialise in adoption-related issues or trauma-informed approaches are trained to understand the nuances of identity development in adoptees. They can offer your teen a safe, neutral space to explore difficult topics they may hesitate to discuss at home - such as birth family fantasies, feelings of abandonment, or questions about self-worth. Family therapy can also be a powerful tool. It can help improve communication between you and your teen, address any misunderstandings, and strengthen your bond during a time that often feels turbulent. Importantly, therapy is not a sign that something is wrong - it is a proactive step that many adoptive families take to support long-term emotional health. Framing it this way to your teen (“Lots of people talk to someone when they’re trying to make sense of big feelings - it’s a healthy thing to do”) can help reduce any stigma or resistance.

The role of risk-taking in adolescence

Risk-taking is a hallmark of the teenage years. It is a normal, developmentally expected part of adolescence, shaped in part by the way the adolescent brain is still developing - particularly in the areas responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, and evaluating consequences. While all teenagers are likely to test boundaries to some extent, adopted teens may be at an increased risk of engaging in high-risk behaviours. This is not because they are inherently more troubled, but because the psychological terrain they are navigating is often more complex. Experiences of early adversity, loss, or trauma can all influence how an adopted teen approaches decisions, responds to stress, or seeks out intense experiences. Risk-taking might include substance use, unsafe sexual activity, running away, or involvement with risky peer groups. For adopted teens, these behaviours can sometimes be a coping mechanism - an attempt to escape difficult emotions, assert control, or fill a sense of emptiness or disconnection. Studies show that adopted adolescents are statistically more likely to engage in externalising behaviours, such as rule-breaking, defiance, or aggression, particularly when they have experienced disrupted attachments or trauma earlier in life (Juffer & van IJzendoorn, 2005).

Understanding the deeper reasons behind risky behaviour can help parents respond with empathy and strategy, rather than fear or frustration. The goal is not to eliminate risk altogether, which is impossible, but to guide teens towards safer choices, build resilience, and maintain connection throughout the process.

What can parents do?

Try not to overreact, but do not ignore

Risk-taking behaviours can provoke intense emotional reactions in parents - fear, anger, confusion, or despair. While these feelings are completely valid, how you respond in the moment can either open the door to connection or close it. Reacting with outrage or harsh punishment may cause your teen to retreat further, hide behaviours, or escalate. On the other hand, ignoring signs of risky behaviour can send the message that boundaries do not exist or that unsafe behaviour is acceptable. Aim instead for calm curiosity. Acknowledge the behaviour and express concern without judgement. Say things like, “I noticed you were out much later than we agreed - can we talk about what happened?” or “I saw that you’ve been using substances. I want to understand how you’re feeling.” This helps your teen feel safe enough to talk, while still holding them accountable for their actions.

Focus on the 'why'

Instead of simply addressing the behaviour, focus on the need or emotion behind it. Ask yourself: What is this behaviour helping my child manage or avoid? Is it boredom, sadness, a desire to fit in, or a way to self-soothe? Risky actions often mask more vulnerable emotions, especially for adopted teens who may struggle with identity, belonging, or unresolved trauma. Try to engage with your teen from a place of curiosity, not accusation. You might say, “I wonder if going out all night felt like a way to not think about everything that’s been going on lately?” This helps your teen build self-awareness and can reduce shame, which is often a barrier to honest conversation.

Set clear boundaries

While teens need autonomy, they also need structure. Boundaries act as scaffolding - something to lean on as they explore the world and make decisions. Adopted teens, particularly those who experienced early chaos or inconsistency, often need firmer, more consistent boundaries to feel safe. Be clear about your expectations, and explain the reasons behind them. For example: “We ask you to be home by 10pm because we care about your safety, and we need to be able to sleep knowing you’re okay.” Keep consequences reasonable and enforce them consistently. This is not about control - it is about communicating care and concern.

Use natural consequences

Where possible, let real-world consequences, rather than imposed punishments, do the teaching. If your teen misses school due to staying out too late, allow them to face the academic consequences. If they damage trust, give them the opportunity to earn it back. These experiences can be powerful learning tools, helping teens understand that choices have impact. At the same time, safety must always come first. Do not allow natural consequences to cross into unsafe territory. For example, if substance use is involved, your teen may need medical attention or counselling. Balance realism with responsibility. You might say, “I want you to feel the impact of your choices, but I will never let you be unsafe. That’s my job as your parent.”

Seek professional help

Sometimes, risk-taking is not just exploratory - it becomes a sign of deeper distress. Self-harm, persistent substance misuse, criminal behaviour, or repeated school refusal are indicators that professional intervention may be necessary. It is important to seek support early rather than waiting until things reach a crisis point. Adopted teens often benefit from therapists who understand adoption, trauma, and attachment dynamics. These professionals can help your teen process the underlying emotions that may be driving risky behaviour, while also supporting the family system as a whole. Framing therapy as a strength - not a punishment - helps reduce any stigma your teen may feel. For example, you could say, “Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes. This is about helping us all feel more supported.”

The push for independence

Independence is one of the most noticeable shifts that takes place during the teenage years. It is also one of the most challenging to navigate - particularly for adoptive families. As teens begin to develop a stronger sense of self, they naturally seek greater freedom, more privacy, and increased control over their decisions. This developmental milestone is important and necessary, but it can be emotionally charged for both the young person and their parents.

For adopted teens, the process of becoming independent is often layered with additional emotional complexity. Some may fear that stepping away could lead to rejection or abandonment, leading them to become more emotionally dependent - even as they claim to want space. Others may express their need for control in more extreme ways, such as pushing boundaries or rejecting help entirely. These responses can be shaped by early life experiences in which they may have felt powerless or unsure about who they could rely on.

Research into attachment theory reminds us that secure early relationships provide the foundation for healthy independence later in life (Bowlby, 1988). But many adopted adolescents - particularly those who experienced neglect, loss, or multiple placements - may not have had this foundation. Instead, they may operate from an insecure attachment style, which can make the typical push-pull of adolescence even more intense. At the same time, asserting independence can stir up unresolved grief related to birth family separation, further complicating this stage of development. Navigating all of this can leave adoptive parents feeling conflicted: How much freedom is too much? When should I step in? Am I losing my child - or helping them grow? Below are some practical suggestions for finding the balance.

What can parents do?

Understand the behaviour

When your teen begins to challenge the rules, become distant, or express a strong desire to be on their own, it can feel deeply personal. But often, these behaviours are not about rejecting you - they are about figuring out who they are. For adopted teens, especially those with early life trauma or attachment disruptions, this stage can bring heightened anxiety and internal conflict. Their independence might come with an undercurrent of fear, insecurity, or confusion.

It is helpful to view behaviour as a signal rather than a problem. Ask yourself: What might my teen be trying to tell me through this action? For example, if your child insists on doing everything alone, it might not be about mistrust — it might be about proving they can survive without depending on others. Once you begin interpreting behaviour through this lens, you can respond with more compassion and insight, rather than frustration or punishment.

Balance support with autonomy

Providing appropriate levels of independence is not about stepping back entirely - it is about stepping back in a way that is thoughtful and responsive. Teens need space to grow, but they also need to know they are still tethered to safety. You can offer age-appropriate freedoms that allow for exploration while maintaining clear boundaries and involvement.

One helpful strategy is to offer structured choices. Rather than dictating every decision or leaving everything up to them, guide your teen with options that reflect their maturity and your expectations. For example: “Would you prefer to take public transport to your activity, or would you like me to drive you and give you space on the way?” This communicates trust and responsibility without removing all support. The aim is not to stop your child from becoming independent, but to help them do it in a way that feels safe and emotionally grounded.

Keep showing up

The teenage years - and especially adolescence in adoptive families - often include periods of emotional distance. Your teen may push you away, claim they do not need you, or respond to care with indifference or anger. These behaviours can sting, particularly if they appear to contradict your close bond. But it is important to remember that this distancing is often part of their development - not a rejection of your love. Keep showing up. Keep being available. Let your teen know that your relationship is not conditional. If they make mistakes, you will help them repair. If they want space, you will give it - and still be nearby. If they pretend not to care, you will continue to care anyway. Your calm, predictable presence during these years sends a powerful message: I am still here, and I always will be. This reassurance is especially important for adopted teens, who may have internalised fears about whether relationships are safe or lasting.

Name the emotion

Adolescents often struggle to name what they are feeling. They may say they are “fine” when they are furious, or act defiant when they are really scared. For adopted teens, these feelings can be further clouded by confusion around their sense of self, fears of rejection, or unresolved grief. Helping your child understand and label emotions is an invaluable tool - both for emotional regulation and for relationship repair. You can do this gently by reflecting back what you notice, without judgement. For example, “I wonder if being away from home all day felt freeing but also a bit uncomfortable?” or “You seem really frustrated lately - is that how you are feeling, or is something else going on?” By naming emotions aloud, you are modelling emotional literacy and showing your teen that it is safe to talk about their inner world. Over time, this gives them the tools to make sense of their feelings - and helps them communicate those feelings more constructively.

Final thoughts

Parenting a teenager is a journey filled with uncertainty, growth, and the need to let go while still holding on. When adoption is part of the story, that journey often includes additional emotional terrain - but also moments of profound insight, resilience, and connection. The teenage years can be intense, unpredictable, and at times overwhelming, but they are also a chance to deepen your relationship with your child in new and meaningful ways.

We hope this practical guide has helped shine a light on what your adopted teen might be experiencing beneath the surface - and offered concrete, compassionate tools to support them. Whether it is understanding the push for independence, responding to risky behaviour, or helping them explore their identity, every small act of empathy and presence makes a difference. You are not alone in navigating this chapter, and there is no perfect formula. What matters is your commitment to staying connected, even through the hardest moments.

By understanding how identity, independence, and risk are experienced through the lens of adoption, you can show up for your teen with greater empathy and strength. You will not get it right every time - but your willingness to try, to repair, and to stay present is what matters most. The trust you build now will shape your relationship for years to come.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team