Understanding attachment styles in children: What every parent should know

Attachment is a concept rooted in psychology but lived out in everyday family life. It describes the way children form emotional bonds with caregivers and how those bonds influence behaviour, emotions, and relationships as they grow. Whether a child is adopted or raised by their birth family, understanding attachment styles can help parents respond with more empathy and confidence.

This blog explores the four main attachment styles: secure, insecure-avoidant, insecure-ambivalent (sometimes called resistant), and disorganised. For each one, we look at where it comes from, the science behind it, how it may present in children’s daily lives, and examples of why it might develop - not only through trauma but also through ordinary family circumstances.

What is attachment?

When you picture a newborn reaching out their tiny hand or crying when their parent leaves the room, you are seeing attachment in action. John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist, first put words to this in the 1960s. He suggested that babies are biologically wired to stay close to their caregivers because, in evolutionary terms, proximity meant survival. Staying near to an adult was not just about love - it was about staying alive.

A few years later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth brought these ideas into the lab with what is now called the “Strange

Situation” experiment. She observed how one-year-olds reacted when their caregiver left the room and then returned. Some children cried but were quickly comforted when reunited. Others seemed oddly indifferent, barely glancing up. A few clung desperately and could not be calmed. And some showed confusion - approaching, then freezing or backing away. From these reactions, the different attachment styles were first identified.

Attachment is not about parents being perfect. In fact, research shows that even the most attuned parents “miss” their child’s cues around 70 per cent of the time (Tronick, 2007). What matters is the repair. When a parent notices and reconnects, scooping up a crying child after a delay or smiling back after a moment of distraction, the child learns that relationships are safe even when they wobble.

Over time, these thousands of small interactions build an inner map, sometimes called a “working model.” It shapes how children answer life’s earliest questions: “When I cry, will someone come?” “When I am scared, will someone comfort me?” “When I explore, will someone still be there?” These answers guide not only childhood but also friendships, romantic relationships, and even how adults parent their own children.

Most importantly, attachment is flexible. It is not a permanent label or diagnosis. A child may start life with insecure patterns but move towards security when they experience consistent care. In the same way, stress or upheaval can temporarily disrupt attachment without defining it for life. That adaptability is what makes learning about attachment so hopeful for parents - change is always possible.

Secure attachment

Where secure attachment comes from

Secure attachment usually develops when caregivers are consistently responsive, but “consistent” does not mean “perfect.” It is about the general pattern over time. A child might experience occasional missed cues, a parent not noticing their cry straight away, or being distracted for a moment for example, but what matters is how often comfort and repair follow. For example, a parent might misread a child’s distress, but if they later return to say “I saw you were upset earlier, I am here now,” the child learns that relationships can recover from small breaks.

Secure attachment can come from many different family circumstances. It may form in households where parents have plenty of time and emotional energy, but it can also develop in families under stress. Parents who are juggling work, illness, or multiple children can still foster secure attachment if they are emotionally available when it matters most. It is less about constant presence and more about repeated reliability.

The psychology behind secure attachment

Children with secure attachment build an internal model of the world as safe and dependable. This “working model” is not abstract; it is felt in the body. The nervous system learns to expect comfort rather than rejection, which supports healthy stress regulation (Sroufe, 2005). Securely attached children often show balanced cortisol (stress hormone) responses - they get upset in challenging situations, but they calm down once comfort is given.

This style also supports brain development. Neuroscience research has shown that sensitive caregiving strengthens neural pathways related to emotional regulation and empathy (Schore, 2001). Over time, securely attached children develop confidence in both exploring the world and returning to a safe base when overwhelmed.

How secure attachment presents

• The child explores freely but regularly “checks back” with a parent.

• They show distress when separated, but settle quickly on reunion.

• They express needs and feelings openly.

• They are able to use comfort from adults to calm themselves.

Why secure attachment happens

Secure attachment can be shaped by small, everyday choices rather than dramatic events. A baby who wakes frequently at night may be comforted more often than not. A preschooler who struggles at drop-off is greeted warmly at pick-up, even if the morning was rocky. A parent who occasionally loses patience apologises and repairs the relationship later. These everyday moments build a sense of predictability and trust.

It is also important to note that temperament plays a role. An easy-going baby who responds positively to comfort may naturally reinforce a parent’s caregiving confidence, creating a cycle of secure attachment. Conversely, a fussy or sensitive child may require more effort to soothe, but if parents stay engaged and responsive, security can still develop.

Example of how it happens

A toddler falls at the park. Their mother is briefly distracted by a phone call and does not react straight away. The child cries, looks around, and eventually the mother notices, picks them up, and soothes them. Even though the response was delayed, the pattern is clear: when they need help, comfort does arrive. Over time, these repeated experiences build the child’s confidence that relationships can be trusted, even if not every need is met instantly.

Insecure-avoidant attachment

Where insecure-avoidant comes from

Avoidant attachment often develops when a child learns that showing distress does not bring comfort. Caregivers may be physically present but emotionally distant, or they may prioritise independence early on. Sometimes this is cultural - in some families, stoicism or “toughness” is valued more than vulnerability. It can also arise from misunderstandings: a parent with a naturally quiet baby might assume “they don’t need much” and under-respond, unintentionally teaching the child to hold back. Avoidance is not always rooted in trauma or neglect. It can come from subtle patterns, like a parent consistently encouraging self-reliance - “You’re fine, don’t cry” - or appearing uncomfortable when emotions are expressed. Over time, the child adapts by suppressing their needs in order to preserve connection.

The psychology behind insecure-avoidant attachment comes from

Psychological studies show that avoidant children often downplay their need for comfort but display elevated stress internally. In the “Strange Situation,” avoidant infants acted indifferent when their caregiver returned - but physiological monitoring revealed increased heart rate and cortisol (Spangler & Grossmann, 1993). This shows that avoidance is not a lack of need, but a protective strategy: “If showing distress doesn’t work, I’ll stop showing it.” Avoidant attachment also links to brain pathways involved in emotional regulation. These children may lean more on cognitive control - appearing calm and self-contained - while suppressing the deeper emotional signals from their body.

How avoidant attachment presents

• Children may seem very independent for their age.

• They avoid eye contact or physical closeness when upset.

• They prefer solitary play or hobbies.

• They often downplay difficulties, saying “I’m fine” even when hurt.

Why it happens

This style can develop in many everyday contexts. A parent who finds emotions overwhelming might step back when their child cries. A well-meaning grandparent might encourage toughness: “Big boys don’t cry.” A child with a stoic temperament may also be mistakenly seen as self-sufficient, leading adults to provide less comfort. For example, imagine six-year-old scrapes their knee at school. Instead of crying, they brush it off quickly and say “I don’t care.” In truth, they may be holding back tears, but they have learned that showing pain is unlikely to bring comfort - so they adapt by appearing self-reliant.

Insecure-ambivalent (resistant) attachment

Where insecure-ambivalent attachment style comes from

Ambivalent attachment develops when caregiving is inconsistent. Sometimes comfort is available, other times it is not. This unpredictability leaves the child anxious, unsure of what to expect. They respond by clinging tightly, desperately seeking reassurance, but finding it hard to fully relax even when they receive it. It is important to note that ambivalence does not only come from neglect. It can happen in loving families where parents are juggling stress, mental health difficulties, or unpredictable work schedules. For example, a child whose parent works irregular hours may sometimes receive warm bedtime comfort and at other times experience rushed or distracted interactions.

The psychology

Children with ambivalent attachment often show heightened stress responses and difficulty calming down. In Ainsworth’s “Strange Situation,” they were intensely distressed by separation but struggled to settle even when reunited. This reflects a nervous system that has become primed for vigilance: “I must hold on tightly or I may lose you.” Over time, this can affect emotional development. These children may become highly sensitive to changes in a caregiver’s mood, scanning constantly for signs of withdrawal. They may also struggle with self-soothing, as they rely heavily on the caregiver but cannot always access their comfort.

How ambivalent attachment presents

• Children show extreme distress when separated.

• They find it difficult to calm down even when comforted.

• They may cling to parents but also show anger or resistance.

• They are highly sensitive to perceived changes in attention.

Why it happens

Ambivalence can grow out of many ordinary pressures. A parent who is affectionate but distracted by financial stress may swing between warmth and withdrawal. A carer managing depression may sometimes respond with love and other times feel emotionally unavailable. Even frequent changes in routine, such as moving house or fluctuating childcare, can create unpredictability that fuels ambivalence. For example, a preschooler waves goodbye at drop-off but bursts into tears minutes later, refusing to join in play. Even after their parent picks them up, they cling tightly while simultaneously pushing away in frustration. Their behaviour reflects the anxiety of never being sure if comfort will last.

Disorganised attachment

Where being disorganised attached comes from

Disorganised attachment often develops when the caregiver is both a source of comfort and a source of fear. This could involve frightening behaviour, unpredictable discipline, or unresolved trauma in the caregiver. But it does not always stem from severe events. Sometimes, parents who are anxious, grieving, or inconsistent in their own emotional regulation can appear unpredictable to the child. Children in this situation face an impossible dilemma: the person they want to run to is the same person they fear. Their behaviour becomes disorganised because there is no single clear strategy for safety.

In the “Strange Situation,” disorganised children displayed contradictory behaviours - approaching their caregiver but freezing, collapsing, or even running away. Neuroscience research suggests that their stress response systems are overloaded; they may switch rapidly between fight, flight, and freeze states (Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz, 2008). This style is also linked to dissociation, where children may seem “spaced out” or disconnected during stress. It is the body’s way of coping with overwhelming emotions when no safe strategy exists.

How disorganised attachment presents

• Children may run to a caregiver and then retreat in fear.

• They show sudden shifts between clinging, aggression, and withdrawal.

• They may freeze or appear dazed in stressful moments.

• They can struggle with trust, regulation, and consistent behaviour.

Why it happens

Disorganisation is not always the result of extreme trauma. Sometimes it emerges in families under pressure where parents are emotionally unpredictable. A parent who shouts one moment but cuddles the next may confuse the child’s sense of safety. Similarly, a parent dealing with anxiety or unresolved grief may appear frightened themselves, which the child experiences as unsettling. A way this may manifest is say for example a child runs towards their father after a long day apart, arms outstretched. But halfway there, they freeze and turn away, looking tense. The father has sometimes been warm but other times shouted suddenly, and the child’s nervous system cannot predict which version will appear. Their behaviour looks contradictory, but it reflects deep uncertainty about safety.

Why this matters for adoptive families

Attachment styles can arise in any family, adopted or not. Even children raised in stable birth families can lean towards avoidance, ambivalence, or disorganisation depending on their temperament, family stress, or parenting styles. However, adopted children are more likely to have experienced early disruptions that make insecure or disorganised patterns more common. Experiences such as time in foster care, multiple placements, neglect, or separation from birth parents can all leave their imprint on a child’s expectations of relationships.

For adoptive parents, the key is to see these patterns not as labels but as survival strategies. A child who avoids comfort is not rejecting their new family - they may be protecting themselves based on what they learned before. If comfort was not available in the past, suppressing needs may feel safer than risking disappointment. Similarly, a child who clings anxiously is not being manipulative - they may be expressing deep fear that connection could disappear at any moment. Disorganised behaviour, while often the hardest to manage, reflects a child caught between wanting comfort and fearing it.

It is also worth noting that attachment struggles do not always stem from dramatic trauma. They can come from ordinary disruptions: a child who spent time in hospital during infancy, a long separation due to work migration, or repeated changes in caregivers. Adoptive parents should not assume they have “failed” if their child shows insecure behaviours. Rather, they should recognise that the child’s nervous system has been shaped by a range of past experiences that need time and patience to rewire.

Understanding attachment gives adoptive parents a different lens. Instead of seeing tantrums, withdrawal, or clinginess as simply “bad behaviour,” they can ask: What is this behaviour protecting? What fear lies underneath? This shift helps reduce frustration and supports a more compassionate response.

Can attachment styles change?

Yes - attachment is not a life sentence. It is shaped by repeated interactions, which means it can be reshaped too. Researchers describe attachment as “experience-expectant” (Sroufe, 2005): the brain expects human connection, and when it receives consistent, nurturing input, new neural pathways form. Studies show that even children who begin life with insecure or disorganised patterns can move towards secure attachment when provided with stable caregiving (Dozier & Rutter, 2008). Therapy, play-based interventions, and parenting support can accelerate this process, but the everyday consistency of adoptive parents often makes the biggest difference. Small moments - soothing a nightmare, returning after a brief separation, sharing laughter - all contribute to a child’s sense that adults can be trusted.

Change, however, is rarely quick. Adoptive families often describe progress as “two steps forward, one step back.” A child may seek comfort one day and push it away the next. This does not mean the process is failing. Instead, it shows the nervous system testing safety over time. Parents who remain steady through these shifts send the most powerful message: “I am here, even when it is hard.”

It is also important to acknowledge that attachment is a two-way relationship. Parents bring their own histories, stress, and attachment patterns into the dynamic. Some adoptive parents discover that their own style (for example, avoidant tendencies) can make it harder to respond consistently. Seeking support, whether through counselling, peer groups, or adoption networks, can help parents build the resilience they need to offer stability.

The hopeful message is that change is always possible. A child does not need perfection, just enough reliability to build new expectations of relationships. Every repaired rupture, every calm response, every consistent bedtime story helps. Over time, these repeated signals can create a new narrative for the child: “When I need someone, they come. When I feel scared, I can be soothed. When I explore, someone will still be there.”

Conclusion

Understanding attachment styles allows parents to see behaviour through a different lens. Instead of focusing only on what a child is doing, they can consider why they are doing it - and what that behaviour might be protecting.

For adoptive families, this knowledge is particularly valuable. It explains why trust takes time and why consistency matters so deeply. But above all, it provides hope. Attachment patterns are not fixed destinies. With love, patience, and support, children can move towards security and thrive in relationships that feel safe and dependable.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team