What regulation really means for adopted children: A neuroscience -informed guide for parents

Have you ever watched your child spiral into a meltdown and felt powerless to bring them back? Perhaps you have tried every strategy in your parenting toolkit... deep breaths, calm tones, giving space, only to be met with louder cries, blank stares, or total withdrawal. If you are an adoptive parent, this moment may feel familiar. And you might be wondering: Is something deeper going on?

In recent years, neuroscience has started to answer that question in a new way - one that replaces judgment with understanding, and punishment with co-regulation. Regulation, or the ability to manage our emotions and body states, is not just a behavioural skill. It is deeply biological, shaped by the brain, nervous system, and critically our earliest relationships. For adopted children, especially those who have experienced early adversity, regulation can look and feel different. This blog explores why.

What is regulation, really?

Regulation refers to the brain and body’s ability to maintain internal balance (known as homeostasis) when faced with stress or change. It is the process of staying calm in traffic, bouncing back after disappointment, or shifting gears when things do not go as planned. But it is not just about behaviour. It is about neurobiology, the connection between your child’s brain, their body, and their ability to feel safe.

In the earliest years of life, babies are not born able to regulate themselves. In fact, humans are altricial, meaning we are born especially dependent on caregivers for survival and regulation. An infant’s heart rate, stress levels, temperature, and emotional states are managed through their caregiver’s touch, tone, presence, and rhythm. This is known as co-regulation, a back-and-forth dance between adult and child that teaches the developing brain how to calm itself.

As Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory explains, safety is communicated through cues of connection, voice, expression, and presence, not just words. For children whose early lives included loss, inconsistency, or trauma, these cues may not register as safe at all. Their nervous systems may remain in a state of alertness even when nothing dangerous is happening. In secure, consistent caregiving environments, co-regulation supports healthy brain development. Over time, the child internalises those calming rhythms, building the neural pathways required for self-regulation. But when that early caregiving is disrupted, through neglect, trauma, separation, or inconsistent care, the brain adapts in a different way.

Why regulation looks different in adopted children

For children who have experienced early adversity, such as neglect, abuse, time in care, or abrupt separation from a primary caregiver, this co-regulation process may have been interrupted or missing altogether.

Instead of learning “I can turn to someone to help me feel safe,” the brain learns “I am on my own.” This has serious consequences for the development of the prefrontal cortex (responsible for logic and emotional control) and the limbic system (which processes threat and emotion). As a result, many adopted children live in a heightened state of physiological arousal, with brains wired more for survival than connection.

This means:

• Their threshold for stress may be lower.

• They might move into “fight, flight, or freeze” more quickly.

• Even small transitions or minor changes may trigger big reactions.

• They may struggle to name, process, or recover from emotional experiences.

What might look like defiance, tantrums, or withdrawal is often the nervous system doing exactly what it was trained to do, which is survive.

The science behind early co-regulation

A growing body of research confirms the vital role of caregiving in the regulation of infant neurobiology. According to Gunnar and Donzella (2002), sensory input from parents such as soothing voices, skin-to-skin contact, and rocking helps regulate the infant's stress response system, particularly the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which governs cortisol release (our primary stress hormone).

In animal studies, researchers have been able to demonstrate how maternal presence dampens fear responses and helps stabilise physiological rhythms. These effects are so strong that in rodents, specific maternal sensory cues (like touch and scent) can directly influence gene expression in the developing brain. In human infants, similar patterns emerge. Studies using brain imaging show that the prefrontal cortex, key for self-control, develops more effectively when co-regulation is consistent. This development can be delayed or disrupted in children who do not receive nurturing care early on.

What happens when early regulation is disrupted?

When the caregiving environment is harsh, neglectful, or unpredictable, it impacts both emotional development and the architecture of the brain. A 2021 review from Frontiers in Psychology explains that infants who do not receive adequate regulation from caregivers are more likely to develop emotion dysregulation, hyperarousal, or flat emotional affect. These children may also assign less hedonic value (emotional reward) to sensory cues like voice or touch, making it harder for future caregivers to form calming, trust-based bonds.

In adoptive families, this can show up as:

• Difficulty being comforted, even by loving and attuned parents.

• Resistance to closeness or physical affection.

• Emotional “shut-down” during conflict or stress.

• Frequent meltdowns or “overreactions” to small stimuli.

It is not that your child will not calm down. It is that their brain may not yet know how, especially in the presence of another person.

Adoption-specific factors: Why communication matters too

A 2023 by Salcuni et al, focused on adoptive families in the UK, founding that parental acknowledgement of adoption-related differences significantly influenced how well children were able to regulate emotions. When adoptive parents talked openly about adoption and recognised its complexities, children showed lower emotional lability and more stability. The study also showed that communication satisfaction, how comfortable and supported the parent felt during adoption-related conversations, had a mediating effect on the child’s regulation. In other words, the way you talk about adoption in your home can directly impact your child’s ability to navigate big feelings.

How to support regulation in adopted children

1. Co-regulate before you teach self-regulation

Your child may look older than they feel inside. Before you expect them to calm themselves, they may need you to calm with them. This might include sitting beside them during a meltdown, offering physical comfort (if they want it), or helping them name their feelings. Think of yourself as the external nervous system they are learning to borrow.

2. Prioritise connection over correction

Many behavioural outbursts are mislabelled as “bad behaviour” when they are really stress responses. Instead of punishing or explaining during these moments, try to connect. Wait until your child is calm before you explore what happened.

3. Repetition builds wiring

The brain changes with repetition over time. Even if your child resists your help at first, keep showing up with consistent, attuned responses. The more they experience safety with you, the more their brain will rewire to expect it.

4. Look after your own regulation too

Co-regulation only works if you can stay grounded. If you are dysregulated, your child will feel it—no matter what words you use. Take time to learn your own stress cues and build your own regulation tools.

5. Seek therapeutic support if needed

Therapies like Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) or Theraplay are specifically designed to support relational regulation. They help parent and child repair disrupted pathways of connection and build new, healthy patterns of emotional safety.

Learn more about Theraplay

Final thoughts

Your child is not broken. Their brain is doing exactly what it was designed to do in response to early life experiences. But the good news is that brains are not fixed, they are adaptable, resilient, and always learning. By offering a safe, consistent, emotionally responsive environment, you are not just managing behaviour. You are helping to literally reshape your child’s brain, one moment of connection at a time.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team

References

• Gunnar, M. & Donzella, B. (2002). Social regulation of the cortisol levels in early human development. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 27(1–2), 199–220.

• Silvers, J. A., et al. (2017). The development of emotion regulation: Evidence from neuroimaging studies. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 21, 1–18.

• Fotopoulou, A., et al. (2021). The embodied brain: Towards a neurodevelopmental account of attachment. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 48, 100919.

• Vink, M. et al. (2020). The role of parent–child communication in emotion regulation in adopted children. Adoption Quarterly, 23(3), 205–223.

• Montroy, J. J., et al. (2016). The development of self-regulation across early childhood. Developmental Psychology, 52(11), 1744–1762.