Why birth family contact matters: Developmental and psychological perspectives

For many adoptive parents in the UK, the subject of contact with birth family can feel like a minefield. Should we maintain it? Will it confuse our child, or help them heal? Are we opening the door to unnecessary disruption - or closing one that was never ours to shut? There is no easy answer. But what is becoming clearer through research, therapy, and lived experience is this: contact, in the right form and at the right time, is about much more than keeping in touch. It is about helping your child build a strong, stable sense of self. This blog walks you through the psychological journey of a child growing up adopted - and explains, with research-backed insight, why birth family contact can be one of the most powerful tools in helping them thrive.

Childhood: The first clues that something is missing

In early childhood, forming an identity happens through stories, names, and the security of knowing where you belong. For adopted children, especially those placed before they have conscious memory, there can be a strange gap - a sense of “I existed before, but I do not know how.” Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development places identity formation at the centre of emotional wellbeing. In childhood, the foundations of trust, autonomy, and initiative are built through consistent relationships. When those relationships are interrupted, as they often are in adoption, children may experience anxiety, confusion, or an unspoken sense of loss.

Research from the UK’s Children’s Workforce Development Council (CWDC) emphasised that even children adopted as babies retain early memories, often held somatically (in the body) rather than cognitively. These unprocessed losses can resurface later in life unless acknowledged. Birth family contact, even indirect, begins to bridge this gap. A letter, photograph, or birthday card is not just a gesture; it is evidence. It tells the child, you did not come from nowhere. That small truth becomes a crucial psychological anchor.

Middle childhood: Questions begin to form about the birth family

As children enter middle childhood (around ages seven to eleven), they develop a more detailed understanding of their place in the world. It is often at this stage that adopted children start asking difficult, emotionally charged questions:Why was I adopted? Why did they not keep me? Are they still out there? These questions are not simply curious, they are identity-seeking. According to the UK-based Adoption Research Initiative (Neil et al., 2010), children in middle childhood who had structured and supported contact with their birth family were more likely to develop what researchers called a "coherent adoptive identity.” In other words, they were better able to integrate their past with their present, and less likely to blame themselves for the separation. Children without access to contact, or whose contact had broken down, often filled the gaps with fantasy, sometimes imagining heroic versions of their birth parents, sometimes believing they were abandoned due to bad behaviour. Contact can interrupt that fantasy loop. It provides real information, real feelings, and sometimes even real answers, not always easy ones, but real nonetheless. With support from adoptive parents and professionals, children can start to form a narrative that feels whole, not fractured.

Adolescence: The emotional weight of “Who am I?”

If childhood plants the seeds of identity, adolescence waters them with emotion. Teenagers are wired for self-discovery. They ask not just who are my parents?, but who am I because of them, or despite them? This is the period where birth family contact can become especially significant. Some young people may seek direct contact for the first time. Others may withdraw from it completely, overwhelmed by conflicting loyalties and big emotions. Research from PAC-UK, one of the UK’s leading post-adoption support organisations, found that adolescents with access to consistent, emotionally supported contact were more likely to express satisfaction with their adoptive relationships and less likely to act out behaviourally.

But it is also the stage where contact becomes most challenging to navigate. Adolescents may experience complex loyalty binds, feeling guilty for wanting contact, or angry at their birth family for not fighting to keep them. The task for adoptive parents here is to stay grounded. Your job is not to control the outcome, but to stay open, compassionate, and willing to explore the questions alongside them. Professor Elsbeth Neil, whose longitudinal studies are considered foundational in UK adoption research, wrote that adolescents with access to letterbox or face-to-face contact “benefited when adoptive parents actively facilitated the process and modelled a non-defensive, emotionally open stance towards the birth family.” That stance becomes your child’s safety net. When everything else feels in flux, your openness becomes the most stable ground they have.

The deeper psychology: Contact as a tool for integration

At the heart of all this is something psychologists call integration, the ability to hold multiple truths at once. That you were born into one family, but raised in another. That love can exist even when people are unable to parent. That adoption is a story of loss and healing. Dr. Julie Selwyn, director of the Hadley Centre for Adoption and Foster Care Studies at Bristol University, explains that identity confusion is one of the most commonly reported challenges among adopted people, especially in the absence of clear contact or information. “It is the blank spaces in the story,” she notes, “that cause the most distress.” Contact helps fill in those blanks, not all at once, and not always neatly, but enough to give a child the tools to make sense of their story. It allows space for grief, but also for understanding. For anger, but also for connection. And in that space, the child begins to trust not only their story, but themselves.

When contact is not straightforward

Of course, not all contact is safe or appropriate. In some cases, birth relatives may pose a risk, or the history of trauma may be too raw. In other cases, the birth parent may disengage unexpectedly, or respond erratically. This does not mean you have failed, or that contact is not worthwhile. As the Adoption and Children Act 2002 makes clear, contact must always be assessed in the child’s best interest, and that assessment can change over time. Even if contact stops, the attitude around it matters. Children sense when topics are off-limits. If you speak about their birth family with honesty and care, even in their absence, you are modelling something powerful: that truth and love can coexist.

Final reflections: Building wholeness, not choosing sides

As a parent, it can be hard to watch your child step into the unknown, to risk hurt, disappointment, or confusion. But when it comes to birth family contact, shielding your child entirely may mean denying them something essential: the chance to know themselves more fully.

Your role is not to have all the answers. It is to create space for questions. To validate the messiness. To remind them that their story, however complex, is theirs, and that you are strong enough to hold it with them. Contact is not about loyalty to the past. It is about building a future where your child can grow without hiding parts of who they are. When you make space for the whole story, you are giving them the greatest emotional gift possible: permission to be whole.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team

Key references:

• Neil, E., Beek, M., & Schofield, G. (2010). Contact plans for children placed for adoption. University of East Anglia.

• Selwyn, J. (2015). Beyond the adoption order: challenges, interventions and adoption disruption. University of Bristol.

• PAC-UK (2020). Supporting adopted teens: identity, belonging and contact.

• Erikson, E.H. (1968). Identity: Youth and Crisis. New York: Norton.