Emotional differences between being adopted as a baby versus as an older child

While the goal remains providing a nurturing and permanent home, the age at which a child is adopted significantly influences emotional development, attachment security, and identity formation. Psychological studies have shown that early experiences lay the groundwork for cognitive, emotional, and social trajectories throughout life (Sroufe, 2005). In this article, we explore the emotional differences between children adopted as babies versus those adopted at an older age, grounding the discussion in attachment theory, trauma research, and developmental psychology. In this blog, we explore the emotional differences between children adopted as babies and those adopted at an older age, offering insight for prospective and current adoptive parents navigating the adoption process in England and beyond.

Early attachment and bonding

Attachment theory suggests that early relational experiences fundamentally shape how individuals perceive relationships throughout life (Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth, 1978). Infants adopted early in life, particularly within the first six months, are more likely to form secure attachments to their adoptive caregivers. Secure attachment is associated with higher self-esteem, better emotional regulation, and stronger interpersonal skills in adulthood (Groh et al., 2012).

In contrast, children adopted after infancy often experience attachment disruptions. Research by Smyke et al. (2010) found that children adopted after the age of two from institutional care showed significantly higher rates of disorganised attachment. Disorganised attachment is characterised by contradictory behaviours toward caregivers and has been linked to later difficulties with emotional regulation and relationship building (Main & Solomon, 1990). Adoptive parents of older children often need to engage in therapeutic parenting techniques, such as Theraplay, to rebuild the foundational trust necessary for healthy attachment.

Memories and emotional history

With that being said, the developmental period prior to adoption matters greatly. Babies adopted early have limited, if any, conscious memory of trauma or separation. In contrast, older children often come with cumulative adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), such as neglect, abuse, or multiple foster placements. Felitti et al. (1998) demonstrated that higher ACE scores are associated with long-term health and psychological difficulties. Trauma stored in early neural networks can influence behaviour even if the child has no explicit memory of events (Perry, 1997). Furthermore, research by van der Kolk (2005) emphasises that trauma fundamentally alters brain development, particularly in regions responsible for emotional regulation and social cognition. Therefore, older adopted children may exhibit hypervigilance, emotional outbursts, or withdrawal as unconscious responses to earlier experiences.

Sense of identity

Identity development is a key task of adolescence and is heavily influenced by early life experiences (Erikson, 1968). Babies adopted early have the opportunity to integrate adoption into their identity narrative from the start. Research suggests that open and honest communication about adoption from an early age promotes positive self-concept and resilience (Brodzinsky, 1990).

Older adoptees, however, often grapple with pre-existing identities tied to biological family members, cultural heritage, and lived experiences. Grotevant (1997) highlighted that identity formation in adopted adolescents is complex, often involving reconciling multiple familial and cultural narratives. Without sensitive support, these identity struggles can result in confusion, loyalty conflicts, and feelings of alienation. Adoptive parents can aid this process by respecting the child's heritage, providing culturally affirming experiences, and facilitating conversations about their entire life story - not just the chapter that begins with adoption.

Trust and fear of rejection

Consistent, nurturing caregiving is the foundation for developing trust (Bowlby, 1969). Babies adopted early are more likely to experience consistent caregivers, which fosters a worldview that people are reliable and relationships are safe. In contrast, children who have endured disrupted caregiving, neglect, or institutionalisation may internalise the belief that caregivers are unpredictable or dangerous (Dozier et al., 2002).

Cicchetti and Toth (1995) noted that maltreated children often develop insecure or disorganised attachment styles, leading to heightened fear of rejection and difficulty regulating emotional closeness. Older children adopted into families may test boundaries to assess whether caregivers are truly reliable, sometimes pushing away those they most need. Therapeutic approaches that emphasise predictability, emotional attunement, and non-punitive responses are crucial to rebuilding trust over time (Hughes, 1997).

Emotional regulation and resilience

The development of emotional regulation is often highly dependent on early co-regulation experiences between caregiver and child (Schore, 2001). Babies who are adopted into consistent, nurturing environments can develop neurobiological pathways that support emotional resilience and self-soothing abilities.

In contrast, older adopted children who have faced trauma may have disrupted development in key brain areas such as the amygdala and prefrontal cortex, which are involved in emotion processing and regulation (Teicher et al., 2003). Without consistent early co-regulation, these children often struggle to manage distress, leading to emotional dysregulation, behavioural challenges, or dissociation.

Therapeutic interventions such as Theraplay, Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), and sensory integration therapies can help older adoptees begin to rebuild these critical emotional capacities (Becker-Weidman, 2006).

Managing expectations

Research consistently emphasises that parental expectations strongly influence the adoption experience (Pinderhughes, 1996). Parents adopting infants may anticipate challenges similar to those of biological parenting, albeit with the added layer of discussing adoption openly. In contrast, parents adopting older children must prepare for developmental trauma, grief, and complex attachment needs from the outset. Misaligned expectations can lead to adoption breakdown (Selwyn et al., 2014), particularly when parents underestimate the emotional complexities involved. Access to pre-adoption training, realistic preparation, and early post-adoption support are critical in promoting placement stability and emotional health for all family members.

The role of post-adoption support

Access to structured post-adoption support services dramatically improves outcomes for adoptive families. In the United Kingdom, the Adoption Support Fund (ASF) was established to address the therapeutic needs of adopted children, recognising that parenting a child with trauma experiences often requires specialised interventions (Department for Education, 2013).

Research by Selwyn and Meakings (2016) highlighted that families accessing ASF-funded therapeutic support reported higher family functioning and lower levels of placement disruption. Services such as trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy (TF-CBT), Theraplay, and narrative therapy are particularly effective at helping children heal and develop secure attachments. Ongoing support is not a luxury but a necessity for building emotional security and resilience in adopted children, particularly those adopted at older ages.

Acknowledging the child’s full story

Narrative identity theory (McAdams, 2001) posits that individuals create a sense of self by weaving their life events into a coherent story. For adopted individuals, integrating both pre- and post-adoption experiences into their narrative is crucial for healthy identity formation and psychological wellbeing. Research by Wrobel and Dillon (2009) shows that adopted adolescents who have access to open, honest information about their origins report higher levels of psychological adjustment. Adoptive parents who engage in truth-telling, encourage curiosity, and validate the emotions tied to adoption experiences support healthier identity development. Adoption is not simply about creating a new story but about respectfully and compassionately honouring the entire journey.

Building emotional security over time

Attachment security and emotional resilience are the results of consistent, attuned caregiving over time (Cassidy & Shaver, 2016). Whether adopted as a baby or an older child, every adoptee benefits from relationships characterised by sensitivity, consistency, and emotional responsiveness. For older children, the road may be longer and filled with more emotional obstacles, but the destination remains the same: a life built on the secure foundation of unconditional love and acceptance. With patience, knowledge, therapeutic support, and self-compassion, adoptive parents can foster extraordinary emotional healing and growth.

Final thoughts

While the age at adoption shapes the emotional starting point, it does not define the entire journey. Understanding the different emotional needs of babies versus older children enables adoptive parents to provide the tailored support, patience, and love that every child deserves.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team

References

• Ainsworth, M.D.S. (1978) Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

• Becker-Weidman, A. (2006) ‘Treatment for children with trauma-attachment disorders: Dyadic developmental psychotherapy’, Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal, 23(2), pp. 147–171.

• Bowlby, J. (1969) Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

• Brodzinsky, D.M. (1990) ‘Surrendering an infant for adoption: The birthmother experience’, Marriage & Family Review, 15(1–2), pp. 93–121.

• Cassidy, J. and Shaver, P.R. (2016) Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications. 3rd edn. New York: Guilford Press.

• Cicchetti, D. and Toth, S.L. (1995) ‘A developmental psychopathology perspective on child abuse and neglect’, Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 34(5), pp. 541–565.

• Department for Education (2013) Adoption support fund: Policy brief. London: Department for Education.

• Dozier, M., Stovall, K.C. and Albus, K.E. (2002) ‘Attachment and psychopathology in adulthood’, in Cassidy, J. and Shaver, P.R. (eds.) Handbook of attachment. New York: Guilford Press, pp. 718–744.

• Erikson, E.H. (1968) Identity: Youth and crisis. New York: Norton.

• Felitti, V.J., Anda, R.F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D.F., Spitz, A.M., Edwards, V., Koss, M.P. and Marks, J.S. (1998) ‘Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults’, American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), pp. 245–258.

• Groh, A.M., Roisman, G.I., van IJzendoorn, M.H., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M.J. and Fearon, R.M.P. (2012) ‘The significance of insecure and disorganized attachment for children’s internalizing symptoms: A meta-analytic study’, Child Development, 83(2), pp. 591–610.

• Grotevant, H.D. (1997) ‘Coming to terms with adoption: The construction of identity from adolescence into adulthood’, Adoption Quarterly, 1(1), pp. 3–27.

• Hughes, D.A. (1997) Facilitating developmental attachment: The road to emotional recovery and behavioural change in foster and adopted children. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson.

• Main, M. and Solomon, J. (1990) ‘Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation’, in Greenberg, M.T., Cicchetti, D. and Cummings, E.M. (eds.) Attachment in the preschool years: Theory, research, and intervention. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, pp. 121–160.

• McAdams, D.P. (2001) ‘The psychology of life stories’, Review of General Psychology, 5(2), pp. 100–122.

• Perry, B.D. (1997) ‘Incubated in terror: Neurodevelopmental factors in the "cycle of violence"’, in Osofsky, J.D. (ed.) Children in a violent society. New York: Guilford Press, pp. 124–149.

• Schore, A.N. (2001) ‘The effects of early relational trauma on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health’, Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1–2), pp. 201–269.

• Selwyn, J., Meakings, S. and Wijedasa, D. (2014) Beyond the adoption order: Challenges, interventions and adoption disruption. London: British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF).

• Sroufe, L.A. (2005) ‘Attachment and development: A prospective, longitudinal study from birth to adulthood’, Attachment & Human Development, 7(4), pp. 349–367.

• Teicher, M.H., Andersen, S.L., Polcari, A., Anderson, C.M. and Navalta, C.P. (2003) ‘Developmental neurobiology of childhood stress and trauma’, Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 26(3), pp. 397–426.

• van der Kolk, B.A. (2005) ‘Developmental trauma disorder: Toward a rational diagnosis for children with complex trauma histories’, Psychiatric Annals, 35(5), pp. 401–408.

• Wrobel, G.M. and Dillon, K. (2009) ‘Adopted adolescents: Who and what are they curious about?’, Adoption Quarterly, 12(3–4), pp. 222–237.