Navigating letterbox contact: Emotional and practical strategies

Letterbox contact is one of the most common forms of post-adoption communication in the UK. Often agreed upon during the adoption planning process, it can feel straightforward on paper: a letter or update, exchanged once or twice a year, passed via a third party. But for adoptive parents, and for children, it rarely feels that simple in reality.

Emotions can run high, especially when the letters do not arrive on time, or the tone from birth parents raises questions. Some children may eagerly await updates; others may not want to engage at all. For adoptive parents, it can stir up complicated feelings too, including anxiety, resentment, protectiveness, or guilt. Learn more about why contact with birth families matter here.

In this blog, we explore what letterbox contact really means, how it can affect adopted children, and what you can do as a parent to support your child’s emotional wellbeing throughout. We also offer ten in-depth, practical strategies you can use at home - even if you are feeling unsure or overwhelmed yourself.

What is letterbox contact?

Letterbox contact is a form of indirect communication between a child’s birth family and adoptive family. Typically, it involves the exchange of letters, photographs, cards, or updates once or twice per year through a secure third-party system (often managed by the local authority or a voluntary adoption agency).

The term “letterbox” comes from the idea that these updates arrive and leave like post, without the parties knowing each other’s addresses. No direct contact is involved, no phone calls, no video chats, no in-person meetings. It's designed to protect everyone’s privacy while still maintaining a connection.

The content of the letters is usually pre-agreed and monitored by a social worker or post-adoption worker. Birth parents may write about how they are doing, offer thoughts and memories, or share hopes for the child. Adoptive parents typically provide developmental updates, school progress, interests, general wellbeing, and may include photographs, drawings, or milestones.

Letterbox contact is often framed as a compromise: a way to honour the child’s history without creating direct emotional disruption. But in practice, it’s far more nuanced and far more emotionally charged than it might seem.

What’s the impact on the child?

Letterbox contact can be hugely significant to a child’s emotional development, whether they appear outwardly interested or not. It connects them to their past, offers reassurance that their birth family is still thinking of them, and can help reduce the sense of “mystery” or abandonment that often surrounds adoption.

According to research by Professor Elsbeth Neil (University of East Anglia), adopted children who experienced well-managed indirect contact reported greater clarity about their life story and were less likely to internalise blame for the separation. They also felt more secure in their adoptive placements, especially when adoptive parents actively supported the process.

That said, the impact is not always positive. Children may experience confusion, anger, grief, or anxiety, particularly if contact is inconsistent or letters from birth parents contain emotional or distressing content. Some children may feel torn between loyalty to their birth and adoptive families. Others may disengage entirely as a way of self-protection. These reactions are developmentally normal. What matters most is not the reaction itself, but the way adoptive parents respond. Do you dismiss the child’s discomfort, or lean in with compassion? Do you use contact as an opening for communication, or avoid the topic because it feels too hard?

Children take their cues from you. Your emotional stance towards letterbox contact, your willingness to stay steady and open generally has more influence than the letter itself.

What can you do as parents to help?

As parents, your role is not just logistical, it is emotional. Managing letterbox contact well requires you to engage, reflect, and respond in ways that help your child feel safe. This means moving beyond the paperwork and thinking about your child’s experience.

Here are some key principles to guide you:

• Stay child-focused. What matters is how the child is affected, not how you feel about the birth family. Try to see the contact through your child’s eyes.

• Normalise complexity. It is okay for your child to feel two things at once - love and sadness, curiosity and confusion. You can model that emotional range for them.

• Talk about contact openly. Avoiding the subject can reinforce shame. Bring it up gently and regularly so it becomes part of your family’s emotional landscape.

• Use developmentally appropriate language. A five-year-old and a fifteen-year-old need very different explanations. Stay responsive to your child’s stage and understanding.

• Get support. You do not have to manage the emotional weight alone. Many UK adoption agencies and charities offer letterbox guidance, and adoption-specific therapists can help you process your own feelings too.

  
  

Remember, your child is watching how you handle this. Every word you speak, or do not speak, helps shape their beliefs about their story, and about themselves.

Ten detailed strategies to support letterbox contact

Create a “contact ritual”

Make the exchange predictable and grounding. Perhaps you light a candle, read the letter together on the same day each year, or store letters in a dedicated memory box. Ritual helps frame the experience as important but safe.

Read the letter first, without your child

This gives you time to process your own emotions before sharing it. If the content is emotionally heavy or confusing, you can plan how to explain it gently or seek guidance before presenting it to your child.

Use the letter to prompt open-ended conversations

After reading the letter, gently ask questions like, “What was it like to read that?” or “Did anything surprise you?” rather than focusing on what the birth parent said or did not say.

Keep a contact diary or journal

Together or separately, record reflections, feelings, drawings, or questions after each contact. This helps your child track their emotional growth and provides you both with insight over time.

Translate difficult emotions into age-appropriate truths

If a letter contains sad or confusing information, acknowledge the feeling without overloading the child. For example, “It sounds like your birth dad is going through a hard time. That might be why the letter felt a bit different this year.”

Prepare your child in advance of contact dates

Remind them a week before the letter is due. This prevents sudden emotional jolts and gives them time to prepare questions or manage expectations.

Involve the child in writing responses (when appropriate)

Some children like to draw pictures, write a sentence, or choose which photo to send. Giving them agency can make contact feel more empowering and less abstract.

Revisit letters throughout the year

Keep them accessible in a safe place. This helps your child return to them in their own time and process the content in layers, as their understanding deepens.

Stay neutral in your language about birth parents

Even if you are struggling with your own emotions, avoid judging or dismissing the birth family. Comments like “They should have written more” or “They always let you down” can be internalised by the child as shame.

Plan post-contact connection time

Whether it is a walk, a film night, or cuddles with a book, build in something soothing and relational after contact. This reinforces the message: whatever you feel, I am here with you.

Signing off

Letterbox contact is never just about a letter. It is about making space for your child’s roots, emotions, questions, and growth, even when that space is hard to hold. You do not have to be perfect. You just have to be present, curious, and open to what your child needs most: honesty, connection, and the safety to feel it all.

If this blog has sparked questions or reflections for you, you are not alone. Don't hesitate to explore our library of resources to help you navigate contact, and everything else adoption brings, one step at a time.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team