The risks and benefits of direct contact for adopted children

Direct contact with birth family often sits at the centre of the most difficult decisions adoptive parents face, not during the matching process, but in the months and years that follow. For some families, it is a planned part of life from the outset. For others, it emerges unexpectedly, as children grow older and start asking deeper questions like: Can I meet them? Do they still think about me? Will I ever see my brother again?

In the UK, where most adoptions now involve children from care, direct contact can be complex, emotionally charged, and highly individual. There is no simple template to follow. What feels safe and healing for one child may be overwhelming or confusing for another, and many parents are left navigating grey areas, unsure of how to proceed.

This blog attempts to offer some clarity on the risks and rewards of direct contact. We explore what direct contact really means, when it can help, where it can be harmful, and how to make informed, child-focused decisions that reflect both emotional wellbeing and long-term development.

What does “direct contact” actually mean in adoption?

Let’s start with clarity. Direct contact refers to communication between the adopted child and their birth family that happens in real time and often face-to-face. This is different from indirect contact (like letterbox arrangements), which usually happens through a third party and at a distance.

Direct contact can include:

• In-person visits with birth parents, siblings, or extended family

• Video calls or FaceTime sessions

• Telephone conversations

• Real-time messaging or email exchanges (especially as teens gain access to devices)

In most UK adoptions today, especially when children are placed from care, direct contact is rare and often discouraged unless it is considered safe, stable, and in the child’s best interest. However, as more adult adoptees speak about the importance of connection and identity, many local authorities and voluntary adoption agencies are becoming more open to reviewing contact arrangements, particularly with siblings or grandparents.

Direct contact can be one-time, occasional, or ongoing. It may take place in a neutral setting (like a contact centre), with supervision, or in informal locations if relationships are deemed low-risk.

The risks of direct contact: What do parents need to know?

Direct contact is powerful. And with that power comes risk. While it has the potential to heal and reconnect, it can also confuse, destabilise, or retraumatise, especially when handled without proper preparation or support. Let’s look at some of the core risks identified in UK adoption research and practice.

1. Emotional overload for the child

Children may not have the cognitive or emotional tools to process a direct interaction with a birth family member. Seeing someone they resemble, being told a different version of events, or sensing grief or regret from a birth parent can create identity dissonance, a sense of being torn between two worlds. In a longitudinal study by Neil et al. (2010), some children who experienced direct contact without therapeutic support showed signs of confusion, sadness, withdrawal, and behavioural disruption for days or weeks afterwards.

2. Unreliable or inconsistent birth family involvement

One of the most commonly reported risks is when birth relatives are inconsistent, missing scheduled visits or contacting at irregular intervals. This unpredictability can trigger feelings of rejection or abandonment, even in children with strong adoptive attachments. According to the Adoption and Children Act Annual Report (2018), 42% of adoptive parents involved in direct contact reported that cancellations or no-shows caused emotional distress for their child, with 19% describing it as a significant or repeated issue.

3. Blurred boundaries or inappropriate behaviour

Not all birth relatives can maintain healthy contact. In some cases, birth parents may blur boundaries, sharing inappropriate emotional content, discussing the child’s removal, or attempting to undermine the adoptive placement. This is especially complex in cases involving past abuse, domestic violence, or untreated mental health issues. Even with supervised contact, some children are left feeling responsible for their birth parent’s emotions or feel pulled into adult dynamics.

4. Re-traumatisation or triggers

Even in positive contact situations, direct interaction may stir up early trauma, especially for children adopted from care. Smells, voices, locations, or physical resemblance can all activate sensory memories that children may not have the language to explain. In trauma-informed therapy circles, this is known as implicit memory activation - the idea that the body remembers even when the mind does not. For children with complex trauma histories, this can result in regression, nightmares, anger, or even dissociation after contact.

5. Risk of legal or digital boundary breaches

In the digital age, informal direct contact can occur without the knowledge of adoptive parents. Children or birth relatives may seek each other out on social media or messaging platforms, sometimes initiating contact that bypasses agreed arrangements. A 2019 study by CoramBAAF found that 30% of adoptees over the age of 13 had some form of unmediated contact via social media, many without adult awareness. While some found it meaningful, others described it as “chaotic” and “emotionally overwhelming.”

Why would you consider direct contact at all? Here’s what it can offer

Despite the risks, many adoptive families report that direct contact, when carefully managed, can be transformative for children. It can offer identity clarity, reduce fantasy or self-blame, and create emotional grounding that no letter or life story book can replicate.

Let’s explore the key benefits of direct contact in adoption.

1. Real-time connection reduces fantasy and fear

Children often imagine their birth parents in extreme terms, either as heroes or villains. Direct contact can humanise those relationships. A real conversation, even if brief, offers nuance. It reduces magical thinking and replaces it with lived reality. Teen adoptees in a 2020 PAC-UK study described contact as “the missing piece” in understanding their life story. It helped them answer the question: Why did this happen to me? And more importantly, allowed them to stop wondering if it was my fault.

2. Secure identity development

Adopted children are constantly navigating two narratives: where they came from, and where they are now. Direct contact helps them bridge those stories. In Erikson’s framework of identity development, adolescence is a time of “identity vs. role confusion.” For adoptees, this is often intensified by gaps in knowledge or secrecy. Being able to see, speak with, or ask questions of birth family members supports the integration of both identities, leading to greater emotional stability and self-acceptance.

3. Connection with siblings or extended family

Many adopted children have biological siblings placed elsewhere. Direct contact can be crucial in preserving those sibling bonds, offering continuity and a shared sense of family history. Sibling contact is often easier to maintain emotionally, and UK courts increasingly recognise its importance. The Family Justice Review (2011) and subsequent guidance highlight that sibling relationships, where appropriate, must be actively maintained or reviewed.

4. Compassion and closure

Direct contact can offer children and birth parents a chance for emotional closure, compassion, or healing. Even when contact reveals hard truths, it can resolve lingering questions. One adult adoptee in a 2021 Adoption UK report shared: “Meeting my birth mum helped me forgive her. It gave me peace, not because she explained everything perfectly, but because I stopped wondering.”

5. Strengthened adoptive relationships

When adoptive parents support contact openly, children often report feeling more secure, not less. It shows the parent-child bond is strong enough to hold complexity, and that love does not require silencing the past. In Neil’s (2018) follow-up study, children with supportive adoptive parents and planned direct contact were 30% more likely to describe their adoptive families as “emotionally safe spaces.”

Is there a right or wrong answer when it comes to direct contact? In short: no. There is no universal rule. What works for one family may be harmful for another. The key is not whether you choose contact, but how you approach it.

Ask yourself:

• Is this contact being led by the child’s needs, not the adults’?

• Are there clear boundaries, safeguards, and reviews in place?

• Is everyone involved receiving emotional support or professional guidance?

If these pieces are in place, direct contact can be a relationship - not just a visit. And that relationship, however fragile, may be deeply meaningful.

Can gut feelings be wrong? Yes - especially when they are shaped by guilt or fear. Many adoptive parents say they rely on their instinct. But instincts are not neutral. They are shaped by past experiences, societal narratives, and - very often - unprocessed guilt or fear. You might feel your gut saying no, when your child’s development is saying maybe. Or you might push for contact too quickly out of a sense of fairness, rather than readiness.

That’s why it helps to slow down. Get supervision, consult post-adoption support services, talk to adoptees, talk to therapists. Make sure your decisions are being made with your child’s full emotional world in mind, not just your own.

Direct contact is one of the most emotionally complex areas of post-adoption life. It asks you to hold truth, risk, healing, and boundaries - often all at once. But you do not have to do it alone. At Walk Together, we believe in empowering adoptive families with research, empathy, and lived experience. If you are navigating contact - or wondering whether to begin - we are here to listen, not judge.

Want to explore this further? Explore our resources.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team