When their body says no: Understanding shutdowns, freeze responses and emotional numbing in adopted children

Adoptive parents in the UK often describe moments when their child suddenly seems to disappear emotionally. A son or daughter who was laughing and playing can suddenly fall silent, their face blank and body distant. For many families this feels confusing and even frightening, because nothing obvious has happened to explain the shift. What parents are seeing is not stubbornness or disobedience, but a shutdown or freeze response. These are powerful nervous system states where the body quite literally says no in order to protect itself. This guide explores what shutdowns and freeze responses look like in adopted children, why they are more common in adoption, and how parents can support children of all ages when emotional numbing and dissociation appear to take hold.

What is a shutdown in adopted children? Understanding freeze responses and emotional numbing

A shutdown is a form of the freeze response. Rather than lashing out or running away, the child withdraws into stillness. In these moments they may stop speaking, avoid eye contact, or appear to drift away into themselves. Their body might become floppy or rigid, their voice flat, and their emotional presence gone. From the outside, it can look as though nothing is wrong. In reality, the child’s nervous system has detected danger and taken over, shutting down awareness in order to cope.

Imagine a child in school being asked to read aloud in front of the class. The task feels overwhelming, and the body reacts instantly. The child stares at the page, unable to move or respond, their system frozen in a protective state. This is not a conscious decision. It is the body’s way of saying, “This is too much.”

Why shutdowns and freeze responses are more common in adopted children

Children who have been adopted are more likely to have lived through early adversity, whether through neglect, abuse, hospitalisation, or separation from primary caregivers. Even when these experiences happen before memory forms, they shape the way the body’s stress response develops. The nervous system becomes sensitised, primed to react quickly when a situation feels threatening. Research in the UK highlights the scale of this reality. According to Adoption UK’s Adoption Barometer 2023, over 70% of adopted children were removed from their birth families due to experiences of abuse or neglect. These early experiences mean many children enter their adoptive families with nervous systems already trained to detect threat and withdraw under pressure.

For an adopted child, small triggers that might not unsettle another child can cause the body to respond with withdrawal. A sudden change in routine, a raised voice, or even the pressure of being asked a question may be enough for the nervous system to activate a freeze response. This is why shutdowns are seen more often in adoption: they are survival strategies that once kept the child safe in difficult circumstances, even though they now interfere with learning and connection. Understanding this helps parents move away from frustration and towards compassion.

Hyperarousal in adopted children: The fight or flight side of the stress response

When discussing shutdowns, it is important to recognise their opposite: hyperarousal. In hyperarousal, the child’s nervous system is in overdrive. Stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol flood the body, preparing it to fight or flee. The heart races, breathing quickens, and energy bursts outward. This can show up as shouting, arguing, running out of the room, or pacing with restless energy. Hyperarousal is often dramatic and noisy, which means parents and teachers usually notice it straight away.

By contrast, hypoarousal is the “switched off” state that leads to shutdown. Instead of energy bursting outward, the body slows right down. Heart rate and breathing drop, voice becomes flat, movements sluggish, and emotional expression disappears. Parents often describe it as their child looking vacant or numb, as if the light has gone out of their eyes. While hyperarousal is loud and visible, hypoarousal is quiet and easy to miss.

Adopted children can move rapidly between these two states. A child might scream in frustration at not understanding homework, only to slump into silence minutes later when their system flips from overdrive to shutdown. Both hyperarousal and hypoarousal are part of the same fight, flight, or freeze survival system. They are the body’s way of saying, “I feel unsafe,” though one is fuelled by overwhelming energy while the other conserves it by withdrawing. Recognising this distinction helps parents respond more accurately to what their child’s body is communicating.

Dissociation in adopted children: Why withdrawal can feel like switching off

Another pattern closely linked to shutdown is dissociation. This is when the brain disconnects from overwhelming feelings and distances itself from the present moment. To parents and teachers it may look like daydreaming, staring into space, or not remembering what just happened. For the child, it can feel like floating away or even watching life from outside their own body.

For many adopted children, dissociation has roots in early trauma. When distressing experiences were too much to process, the brain learned to escape by switching off. Even years later, seemingly ordinary events can trigger the same response. A teenager may come home from school and fall silent, staring at the floor as though they are far away. To an outsider it may appear as avoidance or laziness. In reality, their system has disconnected in order to feel safe.

Hypoarousal in adopted children: Why some withdraw instead of explode

While hyperarousal is the nervous system speeding up, hypoarousal is the nervous system slowing down to conserve energy. In this state, a child may appear disconnected and unreachable. Speech becomes monotone, the body heavy and still, and the spark of engagement disappears. To a parent, it can feel like rejection or indifference, but it is in fact another stress response.

Adoptive parents often describe the difficulty of sitting with a child who refuses to engage, not because they do not care, but because their system has switched off. Recognising that hypoarousal is a nervous system state and not a personality trait helps shift the perspective from “they will not talk to me” to “they cannot talk to me right now.” This small change makes space for patience and empathy.

How adoptive parents can support children during shutdowns and freeze responses

When a child enters shutdown, their prefrontal cortex - the thinking and reasoning part of the brain - has gone offline. In its place, the survival brain takes charge, steering the child into a state where words, logic and discipline are out of reach. This is why asking questions like “Why are you ignoring me?” or insisting on eye contact can backfire, pushing the child deeper into withdrawal.

Support begins with recognising that your child’s body has chosen protection over engagement. Your role is not to pull them out instantly, but to create conditions where the nervous system can slowly feel safe enough to return. That starts with presence. Sitting nearby, keeping your tone gentle, and showing through body language that you are not a threat communicates safety more powerfully than words. For some children, the reassurance of “I am here, you are safe” becomes an anchor that grounds them back into the moment.

Practical strategies vary depending on the child’s triggers. Some children respond well to sensory grounding. Soft textures, the weight of a blanket, or the rhythm of walking alongside a parent can gently reawaken their system. Others find movement regulating: rocking in a chair, bouncing on a ball, or stretching can help shift the body out of stillness. For children who are more verbal, guiding them to name five things they can see or asking them to hold a familiar object can reconnect them to their surroundings.

Another key tool is predictability. Shutdowns often follow moments when life feels unpredictable or overwhelming. Having clear daily routines - mealtimes, bedtime rituals, or morning check-ins -reduces the chance of sudden overwhelm. Visual schedules or transition warnings (“In ten minutes we’ll tidy up”) can help the child’s nervous system prepare, lowering the need to retreat.

Parents should also pay attention to their own regulation. A child’s nervous system constantly scans for cues of safety, and if a parent becomes frustrated or raises their voice, the child’s body interprets this as danger. By slowing your own breathing, softening your voice, and holding steady even when you feel helpless, you model regulation that the child’s system can mirror. Over time, repeated experiences of a calm adult presence during shutdowns teach the child that they do not have to face overwhelming feelings alone.

The most important message is consistency. Even when your child seems unreachable, your presence communicates, “I am here, and I will stay with you.” Trust builds slowly, but every calm response rewrites the nervous system’s expectations. Gradually, the body learns that it no longer needs to rely so heavily on shutdown to survive. Instead, connection becomes the safer option.

How to support adopted teenagers with shutdowns and dissociation

Adolescence brings its own set of challenges, even without the added layer of early trauma. Teenagers are navigating exams, friendships, shifting identities, and the drive for independence. For adopted teenagers, these stresses often interact with a nervous system already primed by early adversity. Shutdowns and dissociation can therefore feel sharper, last longer, and be more confusing for both parent and child. What looks like sulking or withdrawal is often the teenager’s body reverting to survival mode when life feels overwhelming.

Supporting a teenager through shutdown begins with acknowledgement without judgement. A simple statement such as, “I notice you’ve gone quiet. Do you need some space, or would you like company?” signals awareness without forcing interaction. Many teenagers will need time alone before they can return to conversation, but the underlying need is reassurance that someone will be there when they are ready. This balance of space and presence is delicate: too much pressure and the teenager retreats further, too much distance and they may feel abandoned.

It is also vital to offer choices that protect autonomy. Adolescents are wired to push for independence, and being told what to do can heighten feelings of threat. By asking, “Would you like to talk now or later?” or, “Would it help to go for a walk or just stay here quietly?” you show respect for their control while still offering connection. Over time, this teaches the teenager that they can have both independence and support without fear of losing either.

Grounding tools become especially valuable in the teenage years. Some young people find deep breathing or stretching helpful, while others prefer sensory strategies such as holding a cold drink, splashing water on their face, or listening to music that regulates mood. These strategies work best when introduced outside of a crisis - perhaps during calm times when you can experiment together - so that the teenager has tools ready when shutdowns arise.

Parents should also be mindful of the contexts that trigger shutdowns in teenagers. For some, it might be academic pressure, such as the build-up to GCSEs or A-Levels. For others, it could be the social intensity of peer groups or conflict at home. Identifying patterns allows families to reduce unnecessary stress where possible and prepare for situations that are unavoidable.

When shutdowns or dissociation begin to interfere with daily life, such as consistent school avoidance, collapsing friendships, or an inability to participate in family routines, it may be time to involve professional support. Therapists trained in adoption and trauma can help teenagers make sense of their experiences and build personalised regulation strategies. Crucially, therapy can also give parents a language and framework to support their child without escalating conflict.

Above all, what teenagers need is consistency. Even when they reject your presence, roll their eyes, or push you away, your steady availability communicates safety. For a young person who has experienced loss, this reliability is profoundly healing. Over time, they learn that shutdown does not mean disconnection forever, because the relationship is strong enough to withstand silence.

Final thoughts: Helping adopted children move from survival to safety

Shutdowns, freeze responses, and dissociation are not signs of defiance. They are the nervous system’s way of protecting a child who feels overwhelmed. For adopted children, whose early lives often included separation, neglect, or trauma, these survival states can appear more often and last longer.

As an adoptive parent, recognising the difference between hyperarousal and hypoarousal, noticing the signs of dissociation, and responding with compassion rather than frustration allows you to meet your child where they are. When their body says no, your role is not to force compliance but to provide safety and calm. Over time, this builds trust and teaches your child that they no longer need to shut down to survive.

Parenting through shutdowns is not easy. Yet with patience, routine, and professional support when needed, it is possible to help your child move from survival mode towards a greater sense of security, connection, and growth.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team

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