It takes a village: How extended relatives can nurture adopted children

Megan Pleva
Oct 17
7 min read

When a child joins a family through adoption, the change doesn’t stop at the parents. It ripples through the whole extended family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - everyone connected by love, curiosity or sometimes confusion. You might find yourself asking: What’s my place in all this?

At Walk Together, most of what we write is for adoptive parents. But today, we’re speaking to the rest of the family - the people on the sidelines who care deeply, who want to get it right, but aren’t sure how. Because adoption isn’t only about one household learning to connect. It’s about a whole network learning how to support healing. And that’s exactly what adopted children need - a network.

What’s actually going on for an adopted child?

Let’s start with what adoption really means. It’s not just a new start. It’s a response to an early separation - the loss of a first caregiver, sometimes several. Neurologically, that loss leaves an imprint.

Studies from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development show that children who experience early disruptions in care often develop an overactive stress response system (HPA axis). Their brains produce higher baseline levels of cortisol, the stress hormone that keeps the body on alert. What this means in practice is that even small changes, a different routine, a stranger’s hug, can trigger a sense of threat. MRI studies have also shown differences in how the amygdala and hippocampus (the brain’s emotional and memory centres) process safety. When those systems are shaped by early stress, it takes time, stability, and repetition to relearn trust.

That’s where you come in (assuming we're talking to the extended relatives, here).

For you as a grandparent, aunt or uncle, understanding this science helps turn empathy into action. What an adopted child needs isn’t “extra love” in the abstract - it’s predictable love. Not intensity, but consistency. You become part of the evidence their brain collects that says, “People can be safe. Relationships can last.”

Why affection can feel complicated - and what’s happening underneath

Most families show love through physical affection: hugs, kisses, scooping a child up for a cuddle. But a child who’s experienced early separation might read that closeness very differently. When touch and safety haven’t always gone together, physical contact can activate the same stress circuits designed for survival. It’s not about rejecting you, it’s the body saying, “I don’t know this yet.”

Research from the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Child Development found that children adopted after the age of two often show what’s called “disorganised attachment behaviour” in new relationships: approaching affection, then pulling away, or showing mixed signals. These patterns aren’t deliberate; they’re protective reflexes.

Why reliability changes the brain

You’ll hear this phrase a lot in adoption: “connection before correction.” But it’s not just a nice idea. It’s neuroscience.

The brain’s wiring for trust relies on repetition. Every time you turn up when you said you would, or keep a small promise, you’re helping build neural pathways that associate people with predictability. Over time, those experiences literally reshape how the brain interprets relationships.

A 2015 study published in Development and Psychopathology found that consistent caregiving behaviours over a period of 12 months were linked to measurable reductions in cortisol levels in previously institutionalised children.

Reliability isn’t sentimental; it’s biological repair.

So, if you can, keep things steady. Visits that happen when you say they will. Phone calls that don’t drift off. Messages that always get a reply. They don’t need to be long or perfect. They just need to be consistent.

What well-meaning relatives often get wrong

Here’s the truth: most extended family missteps come from kindness, not ignorance. But adoption brings new layers to family life, and without understanding those, some phrases or actions can backfire.

“They’re so lucky to have you.”
It sounds sweet, but it flips the story. Adoption starts with loss - a child losing one family before gaining another. Instead of framing it as luck, try, “It’s wonderful that you’ve found each other.” That celebrates belonging, not debt.
“When will they call you Grandma?”
Titles can feel loaded. They might not be ready yet. Don’t chase labels; build relationship. The words will come when the feeling does.
“All kids have tantrums.”
True - but trauma responses are not tantrums. They’re often survival strategies. They come from fear, not manipulation. The best way to help is to back up the parents’ approach, even if it looks gentler or unfamiliar.

And silence can hurt, too. Some relatives avoid mentioning adoption at all, thinking it will protect the child. In reality, pretending it doesn’t exist can feel like erasing part of their identity. It’s okay to acknowledge it. You can say, “We’re so happy you’re part of our family,” or, “You’ve been through a lot and we’re glad you’re here.”

Openness doesn’t need details. It just needs acceptance.

How as part of the extended family you can support adoptive parents (without walking on eggshells)

Adoptive parents often walk a fine line between everyday family life and trauma-informed parenting. You can make their lives easier by doing three things: listen, respect, and steady the ship. They may use approaches that feel different to how you raised your own kids. For example, instead of “time out,” they might use “time in” - staying with the child during meltdowns to regulate emotions together. That’s not being soft; it’s aligning with what we know about co-regulation, the process where a calm adult nervous system helps a child’s body return to baseline.

So, if you see something that seems odd, ask rather than judge. “I’ve noticed you do things differently - can you tell me why?” opens a conversation instead of a conflict.

Practical support also counts. Research from Adoption UK’s 2023 Adoption Barometer found that 68% of adoptive parents reported family support as the single biggest factor influencing their wellbeing. A cooked meal, a day of childcare, or simply being a consistent listener can be more valuable than any parenting advice.

And finally: respect privacy. A child’s background isn’t public property. Protect their story as carefully as the parents do. That’s part of making the home - and the family - feel safe.

Building genuine relationships

Bonding with an adopted child isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about thousands of small, predictable interactions that say, “You can relax around me.” Talk about simple things - pets, school, funny moments. Keep your tone light, and don’t rush emotional depth. For many children, the ability to trust comes through rhythm, not revelation. If you can, create micro-rituals together. Maybe you bake the same biscuits each visit, read the same bedtime story, or go for a short walk. Repetition builds familiarity, and familiarity builds connection.

Be aware that big family gatherings can feel intense. Children who’ve experienced early neglect often struggle to filter sensory input - bright lights, noise and busy rooms can overwhelm them. A quiet space, predictable schedule and soft introduction (“Would you like to meet everyone slowly, or stay with me for a bit?”) can make the difference between distress and success.

What if you feel left out as an extended relative?

This happens more than anyone admits. When a child first arrives, the parents often limit visitors so attachment can take root. For grandparents or aunts who’ve been waiting eagerly, that can feel unfair. It’s not rejection - it’s structure. The first few months after adoption are about helping the child attach securely to their parents. Once that connection stabilises, it expands. You’ll have your time. In the meantime, small gestures go a long way. Send a short note, a drawing, or a video message. Keep it simple and pressure-free. Over time, that consistency shows the child that even when they’re not seeing you, you haven’t gone anywhere.

How do cousins fit in?

Cousins can be both a gift and a challenge. Peer relationships often help adopted children practise social skills in a lower-stakes way - play, laughter, shared experiences. But differences in behaviour or emotional expression can confuse other kids. It helps to talk about it honestly. You can say, “They’ve had a different start, so sometimes they get worried more easily. We can help by being patient.” Encourage inclusion without pity, and avoid forcing closeness. Kids are great at figuring each other out when adults set the right tone.

Why the extended family matters more than you think

Adoption doesn’t end when the paperwork does. Healing happens in community. Research from the University of East Anglia found that adoptive families with stable extended networks had significantly higher placement stability and better long-term outcomes for children. That means you’re not a background character. You’re part of the child’s safety net. The grandparent who remembers birthdays, the uncle who always turns up, the aunt who listens - you’re shaping the child’s belief in permanence. Your reliability, your presence, your acceptance - that’s what transforms adoption from an event into a lifelong belonging.

The takeaway

Being part of an adoptive family isn’t about walking on eggshells or memorising rules. It’s about understanding that every interaction you have - every calm hello, every kept promise - becomes part of how a child learns to feel safe.

Show up. Stay kind. Ask questions. Be consistent. That’s it. That’s the science and the heart of it.

And remember - you’re not just supporting the parents. You’re helping rewire a child’s sense of what family can be.

Speak soon,