Supporting siblings in adoption: Helping brothers and sisters navigate change

While much of the focus on adoption often rests on the adopters and the adopted child, the role of siblings - both existing children in the family and those adopted together - can be equally significant. Whether you are adopting a sibling group or introducing an adopted child into a family with birth or previously adopted children, it is essential to understand how adoption can affect sibling dynamics. These relationships are complex, powerful, and, when supported, can become a source of lifelong strength.

In this blog, we explore the challenges and opportunities adoption can present to sibling relationships. We will share research-backed strategies, provide insight into how different sibling experiences may unfold, and offer guidance to help adoptive parents support all their children through this period of transition.

Why siblings matter in adoption

Sibling relationships are among the longest-lasting in a person’s life. They influence emotional development, identity formation, and social learning (Dunn, 2002). For adopted children, particularly those who have experienced early trauma or disrupted attachments, the presence of a sibling can offer familiarity, continuity, and support. For children already in the adoptive family, a new sibling can bring joy - but also uncertainty, rivalry, and big emotional changes.

Research has shown that sibling dynamics can significantly affect a child’s adjustment following adoption. When adoptive parents are aware of these dynamics and take proactive steps to support all their children, the outcome is often more stable and nurturing for everyone involved.

Adopting sibling groups: Keeping brothers and sisters together

Many children waiting for adoption in the UK are part of sibling groups. Keeping siblings together wherever possible is a priority for many adoption agencies and local authorities, as it supports continuity of attachment and reduces trauma related to separation (Rushton et al., 2001). When children are placed together, they often bring with them a shared history - sometimes protective, sometimes traumatic. One sibling may take on a caregiving role known as "parentification," especially in cases of neglect or instability. While this may have helped them survive challenging circumstances, it can affect the sibling relationship in complex ways once they are in a stable home.

What adoptive parents can do

Acknowledge the past without burdening the present.

Siblings adopted together often have shared trauma histories. These can manifest in behavioural patterns like caretaking, rivalry, or withdrawal. Acknowledging this history is important, but it is equally important to allow space for children to redefine their roles within the safety of their new family. Avoid reinforcing old roles - such as praising the older sibling for always helping - without offering both children the opportunity to play, relax, and simply be children again.

Work with your social worker to understand sibling dynamics.

Pre-adoption assessments often provide insight into how siblings relate to one another. Is there a dominant sibling? Do they soothe or trigger each other? Knowing this in advance can help you prepare, seek the right support, and advocate for therapeutic input if needed.

Create individual space and attention.

Even when siblings are adopted together, they are individual people with unique needs. Make time for one-on-one moments with each child to build trust and connection. This is particularly important if one child is quieter or more compliant, as their needs may be overshadowed.

Be mindful of competition for attachment.

Children who have experienced inconsistent caregiving may see love and attention as limited resources. Sibling rivalry can become intense when children feel they must compete for affection. Be aware of signs of jealousy, regression, or boundary-testing, and respond with calm consistency rather than comparison.

Welcoming an adopted child into an existing family

Introducing a new child into a family with existing children - whether biological or previously adopted - adds another layer of complexity. It is normal for existing children to feel excited one moment and anxious the next. They may worry about losing their parents' attention or feel uncertain about how to relate to a sibling with a very different background. It is important to remember that your existing children are also going through an adjustment. Their experience is valid, and they will need support just as much as the child joining your family.

What adoptive parents can do

Treat fairly, not identically

One of the most common misconceptions among siblings - especially when a new child joins the family - is that fairness means treating everyone the same. In reality, fairness is about understanding and responding to each child's unique emotional and developmental needs. An adopted child who has experienced trauma may need more one-on-one time, therapeutic input, or flexibility around boundaries, whereas an existing child might require reassurance and stability. When children observe these differences without explanation, they may misinterpret them as favouritism or rejection. This is why it is important to talk openly about what fairness looks like in your family, and how love can be shown in many different ways.

Using age-appropriate language, explain that different people sometimes need different things to feel safe, loved, or supported. Reinforce that every child in your home is equally valued and that having different rules or responses does not mean one child is more important. It can be helpful to reflect on real-life examples, such as how one child might need glasses and another does not - both needs are met, but in different ways. Over time, children begin to understand that their sibling’s needs do not threaten their own. By modelling this understanding, you create a family culture that prioritises empathy and equity over rigid notions of fairness.

Avoid playing referee

When tensions rise between siblings, it can be tempting to jump in immediately and resolve the conflict. However, constantly acting as a referee can rob children of the opportunity to learn conflict-resolution skills and may inadvertently reinforce the idea that parents always take sides. Instead, aim to support your children in navigating disagreements themselves, using calm voices and respectful language. Teach them to express how they feel using “I” statements, listen actively to the other person's perspective, and come to a compromise when possible. These skills take time to learn and will likely need to be modelled by adults again and again.

That said, there are times when adult intervention is necessary. If a conflict becomes emotionally or physically unsafe, it is essential to step in - not to punish, but to restore calm and model how healthy boundaries are set. In these moments, focus on regulation before resolution. Help each child calm down before trying to discuss what went wrong. When handled calmly and consistently, these moments become teachable opportunities that strengthen emotional literacy and mutual respect.

Seek professional help when needed

While some sibling conflict is normal, there may be times when the challenges between siblings feel beyond what you can manage alone. This is especially true in cases where trauma histories are complex, sibling rivalry is intense, or one child exhibits behaviours that distress or frighten the other. In these instances, seeking professional support is not a failure - it's a proactive step toward healing. Adoption support services can often refer families to therapeutic resources that specialise in attachment, trauma, and family systems.

Therapeutic interventions such as filial therapy, family therapy, or Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) have been shown to help adopted children build trust, regulate emotions, and form more secure relationships (Hughes, 2017). These therapies provide safe environments in which families can explore difficult dynamics with the guidance of a trained professional. For many families, engaging in therapy helps not only the children, but the parents as well - offering tools, reassurance, and new ways of understanding behaviour. Reaching out for support when needed shows your children that it is okay to ask for help and that relationships, no matter how complicated, are always worth working on.

Managing sibling conflict and rivalry

All siblings argue, but in adoptive families, these conflicts can take on different meanings. An adopted child may not yet feel safe enough to express themselves appropriately. An existing child may feel resentful of changed routines or perceived unfairness. Rivalry, jealousy, and misunderstanding are normal - but left unaddressed, they can harm sibling relationships long-term.

What adoptive parents can do

Treat fairly, not identically.

Children with different needs require different responses. Fairness is about meeting individual needs, not always treating everyone the same. Explaining this concept openly can help children feel less confused when one sibling gets more attention or privileges than another.

Use consistent routines and boundaries.

Predictable routines and clear expectations help all children feel secure. When children know what to expect - and what is expected of them - they are less likely to feel anxious or act out toward each other.

Avoid playing referee.

When possible, help children work out conflicts themselves using calm communication. Encourage them to say how they feel, listen to each other, and find a compromise. But if a conflict escalates, step in to model respectful boundaries and ensure emotional and physical safety.

Seek professional help when needed.

Sometimes, sibling conflict becomes unmanageable or emotionally harmful. Do not hesitate to reach out for help. Therapies such as filial therapy, family therapy, or Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) can provide a safe space for healing and learning new patterns (Hughes, 2017).

Supporting long-term sibling relationships

The goal is not just to survive the early months or years but to help your children build a relationship that endures into adulthood. This takes time, patience, and sometimes external support.

What adoptive parents can do

Foster shared memories and bonding experiences.

One of the most powerful ways to support sibling relationships in adoption is by creating opportunities for positive shared experiences. These moments do not need to be elaborate or expensive - something as simple as baking together on a Saturday morning or inventing a silly family game can leave a lasting impression. Shared holidays, creative projects, or even a regular family walk can all contribute to the sense that your children are part of something bigger than themselves. This togetherness fosters a sense of belonging and unity, helping children view their sibling not just as another child in the house, but as someone to trust, play with, and eventually confide in. While trauma can sometimes create emotional distance, joy and laughter - especially when experienced together - can slowly begin to bridge those gaps.

Some families find it helpful to create a 'siblings-only' tradition that gives the children a chance to interact without adult direction. This might include a board game they always play together, a shared journal they take turns writing in, or a film night where they choose a movie and snacks. Over time, these small rituals help form a bond that is rooted in shared experience rather than shared trauma, and this distinction can be transformative. Just like adults, children connect best when they are relaxed and feel emotionally safe, so be mindful of the tone and environment when encouraging these moments.

Respect each child’s need for space.

It is common for adoptive parents to feel hopeful that their children will form a close, even sibling-like bond quickly - but this process often takes time. Each child enters the family with their own emotional history, expectations, and pace of trust. Some children may crave closeness, while others may find frequent interaction overwhelming or even threatening. Forcing them to engage when they are not ready can lead to withdrawal, resentment, or conflict, especially if one child is more dominant or emotionally needy. Instead, it is more helpful to observe and support their relationship as it evolves naturally.

Respecting boundaries means offering opportunities for connection without requiring participation. For example, you might suggest a group activity but allow one child to opt out if needed, without making them feel guilty. Providing separate bedrooms, individual toys, or quiet spaces can also help children self-regulate and feel in control of their environment. A child who feels emotionally safe and respected is far more likely to choose connection over time. Encourage your children to speak up if they need time alone, and reinforce that taking space is not a sign of rejection, but a healthy way to care for their own feelings.

Revisit adoption conversations regularly.

Sibling relationships do not develop in a vacuum - they are shaped by each child's understanding of their family story. As your children grow, their cognitive and emotional grasp of adoption will shift. A young child may accept their sibling’s presence without question, but as they become older and begin to reflect more deeply on identity, loss, and belonging, new questions and emotions often arise. This can be particularly true in sibling groups where one child remembers more of their early life than the others, or in families where children have different birth families and histories. If these issues are not openly discussed, misunderstandings and resentments can quietly build.

Make it a regular habit to check in with each child individually about their understanding of their adoption and their feelings toward their sibling. This does not have to be formal or structured - a quiet conversation during a car journey or at bedtime can be enough. Encourage your children to ask questions, share feelings, and express difficult thoughts without fear of judgement. Let them know that it is okay to feel confused, jealous, or even angry - and that your job is to help them make sense of those emotions. By normalising open conversations, you help prevent shame and support healthy communication between siblings as well.

Celebrate each child’s identity.

In families built through adoption, especially when children come from different backgrounds, it is essential to celebrate each child’s unique identity. This includes their culture, heritage, language, personality, talents, and preferences. When a child feels seen and valued for who they are, their self-worth grows - - and self-worth is key to healthy relationships. Siblings may compare themselves to each other, especially if they perceive unequal treatment or if one child is more confident or receives more praise. By regularly affirming what makes each child special, you can help reduce jealousy and strengthen their appreciation for one another’s differences.

Celebrating identity might involve marking cultural holidays, cooking foods from their country of origin, learning a few words in their birth language, or creating a lifebook that reflects their personal journey. It can also be as simple as encouraging them to pursue hobbies they love, dressing in ways that reflect their style, or making time to talk about their interests and experiences. Avoid comparing siblings or using one as an example for the other—this tends to increase competition and resentment. Instead, encourage them to celebrate each other’s strengths. In time, this respectful approach can help siblings move from tolerance to genuine admiration.

Final thoughts

Adoption changes the family landscape, and sibling relationships are an integral part of that transformation. Whether you are adopting a sibling group or welcoming a new child into a family with existing children, your role as a parent is to guide, support, and nurture these connections over time.

Challenges are to be expected. But with empathy, preparation, and the right support, siblings in adoptive families can become each other’s greatest allies. As with all things in adoption, it starts with understanding - followed by consistent, compassionate care.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team