Top ten myths about adoption that still need to be challenged

Adoption attracts opinions. Ask ten people what they think adoption is like, and you will often hear the same phrases repeated: reassuring, simple and usually wrong. These myths can seem harmless, yet they quietly shape the expectations of adoptive parents, influence how professionals respond to a child’s behaviour and affect how adoptees understand who they are. Even with more open conversations about adoption in the UK, certain narratives, the ones that sound comforting, familiar or tidy, continue to resurface in everyday life.

This blog brings those narratives into the light. Today we explore the ten myths that still influence adoption today, unpicking why they are so persistent and what impact they have on real families. By looking at both the intention behind each myth and the hidden cost, we aim to offer clarity, reassurance and a more accurate foundation for adoptive parenting.

Myth one: Love will fix everything

It is easy to see why this myth persists. Love is one of the strongest motivators behind adoption, and for many parents, the belief that nurture can heal early hurt feels hopeful and reassuring. Love is absolutely central to creating safety and belonging for a child. However, the difficulty is that this myth oversimplifies how trauma shapes the brain. Research shows that early adversity influences emotional regulation, sensory processing, attachment and behaviour, so when parents expect love alone to “fix” these challenges, they can feel overwhelmed or guilty when they encounter struggles. Trauma-informed support, therapeutic parenting strategies and professional input are not signs that love has failed. They are part of providing the consistent, attuned care that helps children heal.

Myth two: Children are young, so they will forget

People often believe that a young child’s earliest experiences fade away because the child cannot describe them in words. The positive intention behind this myth is hope: a belief that children will arrive with a clean slate and flourish without the weight of what came before. However, early experiences shape the brain long before memory becomes verbal. Infants feel stress, safety, hunger, comfort and fear through their bodies, and these sensations lay the foundations for how their nervous system develops. When a child experiences inconsistency, neglect or separation in their earliest months, their brain learns to expect uncertainty. These patterns can influence how they sleep, how they respond to touch, how they manage transitions and how they connect with caregivers later on. A child who cannot “remember” in a story-like way can still react strongly because their body has learned to stay alert. When adults assume young children will forget, they may overlook signs that the child needs emotional or therapeutic support, delaying interventions that could help them feel secure at a much earlier stage.

Myth three: Adopted children should feel grateful

People often express this idea because they want to acknowledge the care adopters provide. It can sound positive at first. However, expecting gratitude places pressure on a child who has lived through loss and disruption. Adoption always includes loss of familiar people, routines and identity, and children do not benefit from feeling they must be thankful for something they did not choose. This myth is reinforced in films and television, particularly in stories where an adopted child is portrayed as “rescued” and expected to repay that rescue through obedience or exceptional achievement. These narratives suggest that love, safety and belonging are rewards rather than rights, and they can influence how society views adopted children. Gratitude narratives can silence children who feel sad, confused or angry, and they can create guilt when their emotions do not match what adults expect. Removing this pressure allows children to express their true feelings and helps adoptive parents offer support without needing emotional validation from the child.

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Myth four: Contact with birth family is confusing or harmful

This belief comes from a desire to protect children from discomfort or difficult situations. There are times when contact is unsafe and should not take place, and there are times when contact needs careful structure and preparation. However, when contact is safe, predictable and well supported, it can strengthen a child’s sense of identity and reduce feelings of confusion. Many difficulties around contact come from a lack of preparation or clarity rather than from the contact itself. When children grow up with no information or connection to their birth family, unanswered questions can build over time, leading to anxiety or confusion about their origins. When contact is handled with care and centred on the child, it can support emotional wellbeing and reduce uncertainty.

Myth five: Attachment problems mean the parents are doing something wrong

The intention behind this myth is to emphasise how important secure attachment is for children. However, it becomes harmful when people assume that difficulties stem from a parent’s behaviour rather than the child’s early experiences. Attachment develops in the first months and years of life, and it is shaped by the consistency and responsiveness of early caregivers. Children who have experienced stress, separation or neglect may find it challenging to trust, settle or co regulate, no matter how loving their adoptive family is. Parents who believe they are at fault may feel ashamed or isolated. When attachment is understood through a trauma informed lens, parents can recognise their child’s behaviour as protection, not rejection, and can access support that strengthens the relationship over time.

Myth six: Adoption creates a forever family, so support is not needed later on

The idea of a forever family is comforting, and it reflects the stability and belonging that adoption aims to create. However, this myth assumes that once a child appears settled, no further support will be needed. Adoption is not a moment in time, it is a lifelong experience. Children may feel secure when they are young but may struggle with questions about identity, loss or belonging as they grow older. Adolescence, in particular, can bring a renewed sense of uncertainty. Families who are told that support should no longer be needed often feel abandoned when challenges emerge later. Understanding adoption as a lifelong journey ensures that parents feel able to seek help at any stage without judgement.

Myth seven: All trauma looks the same

This myth appeals to people because it creates the illusion that trauma is predictable and easy to recognise, which feels more manageable than the truth. In reality, trauma affects children in many different ways, influenced by their age, the length and nature of their early experiences, the relationships available to them and their individual temperament. Some children become highly alert and easily overwhelmed, scanning for signs of threat even in safe environments. Others withdraw, appear quiet or dissociate as a way of protecting themselves from emotional overload. Some show controlling, defiant or explosive behaviour, while others become unusually compliant, polite or eager to please because this response kept them safe in the past. Sensory differences can play a significant role too, as children who experienced early stress often have heightened or reduced sensitivity to sound, touch, movement or changes in routine. Neurodiversity can also interact with trauma, creating presentations that professionals may misinterpret when viewed through a single lens. When adults assume trauma looks the same for every child, they may overlook distress in a child who appears calm or misjudge a child whose behaviour seems intense. Recognising the wide range of trauma responses helps adults create space for patience, flexibility and curiosity, and it encourages them to look beneath behaviour rather than assuming they already understand it.

Myth eight: If a child behaves well at school, they do not have additional needs

Teachers and parents often find comfort in seeing a child adapt well to the school environment. Calm behaviour can look like a sign of resilience or stability. However, many adopted children mask their anxiety at school, appearing compliant to avoid drawing attention or triggering stress responses. Masking is emotionally demanding and it often leads to overwhelm at home, where children feel safer to let go. When the classroom presentation looks calm, schools may underestimate the child’s support needs and assume they are coping. In reality, the child may be struggling with difficulties that are easy to miss if adults focus only on visible behaviour. These needs can include sensory sensitivities, difficulty with transitions, challenges with working memory, a heightened fight or flight response, fatigue from constant self monitoring, difficulty interpreting social cues or anxiety linked to unfamiliar tasks. They may also need support with emotional regulation, clear structure, or opportunities for connection with a trusted adult during the day. Recognising masking helps families secure adjustments such as sensory breaks, movement opportunities, visual timetables, predictable routines and emotional literacy work that supports expression rather than suppression. It also ensures children receive the understanding they need, rather than being overlooked simply because they appear to be managing.

Myth nine: Open conversations about adoption will upset the child

Adults often avoid conversations about adoption because they want to protect the child from painful memories. In practice, children are rarely distressed by the truth itself. They become distressed when information is withheld, when they sense secrecy or when they learn important details suddenly after years of silence. Open and age appropriate conversations help children build a clear and coherent picture of their own story, which supports identity and emotional wellbeing. When parents discuss adoption with confidence and honesty, children feel safer to ask questions and express their feelings. Avoidance creates confusion and distance, while openness strengthens trust.

Myth ten: Adoption is just another route to becoming a parent

This myth mirrors the belief that adoption and biological parenthood involve the same emotional landscape. Adoption brings joy, love and a deep sense of family, but it also involves trauma, loss, identity questions and complex connections to birth family. Adoptive parents often take on additional roles, including navigating contact, advocating for specialist support and understanding trauma based behaviour. Children who are adopted carry experiences that shape how they respond to relationships and stress. When adoption is understood as a unique experience, adoptive parents can prepare themselves more realistically and feel more supported in accessing help when needed.

Thanks for reading

Adoption myths continue to shape public opinion, influence policy and affect how adoptive families are perceived. Understanding why these myths persist can help parents feel less isolated and more confident in navigating their child’s needs. Evidence shows that adopted children thrive when adults are informed, open and responsive to the realities of early adversity. By challenging myths, families create a more truthful and compassionate foundation for their children’s development and identity. Walk Together will continue sharing research-based guidance, lived experience and practical support to help every family feel stronger and better equipped.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team.