Understanding pushback: Staying connected when your teen pulls away

There comes a point in some adoptive families when the closeness once felt in childhood is replaced by distance, defiance, or silence. Words that once brought comfort might now be met with eye-rolls or hostility. For adoptive parents, this change can feel like a sudden rupture - not just a phase, but a deep questioning of the relationship itself. It can shake your sense of stability, love, and sense of belonging.

What often appears to be rejection on the surface is something more complex underneath. These are not simply growing pains - they are emotional echoes. Early losses, identity confusion, and fears of abandonment can resurface with force during adolescence, colouring even the most ordinary interactions. In this stage, your teen is not just pulling away from you - they may be wrestling with the question of who they are and where they truly belong.

This process is rarely personal, even when it feels that way. Your teen’s pushback is often a reflection of their inner world, not a verdict on your parenting. Understanding what drives this distance is the first step toward helping them and yourself navigate it with empathy and strength.

What does the research say?

During adolescence, a young person’s brain is undergoing major structural and emotional changes. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making, risk evaluation, and long-term planning, is still developing, while the amygdala - the centre of emotion and reactivity - is highly active. This makes teens more prone to intense feelings, impulsivity, and black-and-white thinking.

Now, let's layer onto that the experience of adoption. According to Erikson’s (1968) theory of psychosocial development, adolescence centres around the task of identity formation. Teens begin to ask: Who am I, separate from my family? Where do I come from? What makes me, me? For adopted teens, these questions may feel more complicated, because they involve not only the family they live in, but also the family they lost.

Research by Brodzinsky (2011) shows that adolescence is often a time when adopted young people experience a "reawakening of loss." They may revisit questions about why they were placed for adoption, who their birth family is, and whether their sense of self has been shaped by those missing pieces. This awakening can be emotionally disorienting. The people they feel safest with (their adoptive parents) can become the target of that distress, not because they are to blame, but because they are present. They are the ones holding space for it all.

Attachment theory adds further clarity. John Bowlby (1988) explains that securely attached children are more likely to explore the world with confidence, knowing they can return to a safe base. But for many adopted children, particularly those with early trauma, neglect, or multiple placements, their attachment style may be insecure or disorganised. This means that emotional closeness can feel dangerous or uncertain. As a result, teens might keep caregivers at arm’s length to avoid anticipated rejection. What appears to be rejection may actually be a survival strategy.

What rejection might look like

Rejection in adoptive teens often surfaces not as one clear event, but as a pattern of behaviours. Some are overt and confronting, while others are quiet and isolating. These behaviours can vary by teen and by circumstance, but common examples include:

Verbal hostility

Statements like “You’re not my real mum,” or “I wish I lived with my real family” may be thrown out in anger. These comments often reflect pain and confusion rather than genuine intent, but they still hurt. The key is to hear what is beneath the words.

Emotional shutdown

Your teen may stop speaking to you, refuse affection, or avoid eye contact. This is often a self-protective withdrawal, not apathy. They may not know how to ask for help or how to feel safe expressing themselves.

Idealisation of the birth family

Teens may suddenly speak in glowing terms about a birth parent they have never met, or barely knew. This is often about longing and imagined identity, not rejection of the adoptive family. It helps them fantasise about a version of themselves that is easier to understand.

Risky or defiant behaviour

Acting out by breaking rules, experimenting with substances, or associating with risky peers may be a way of reclaiming control, particularly for teens who once felt powerless or voiceless in their life story.

Social withdrawal or over-reliance on peers

You might notice your teen retreating from family interactions and leaning heavily on friends, even to the point of taking on others’ values or beliefs. This can signal an attempt to construct identity through peer affiliation when internal security feels fragile.

Avoidance of family rituals

Rejecting long-standing routines such as family meals, holidays, or traditions can be a way of asserting autonomy or separating from what feels emotionally overwhelming or unfamiliar.

Escalating boundary testing

Your teen may repeatedly push rules or limits, not because they want chaos, but because they are checking: Are you still going to be here when I am difficult? Can I trust you to stay even when I make it hard?

These behaviours can appear suddenly or grow over time. They often come in waves, a calm week followed by explosive days. It is important to note that inconsistency in behaviour does not mean inauthenticity. It means emotional work is happening beneath the surface.

Potential consequences if misunderstood

When rejection is met with shame, punishment, or emotional withdrawal, the situation often worsens. Teens may learn that their emotional complexity is too much, or that their inner struggles must be hidden. That said, we know how hard this is. In the moment, it is completely normal to feel triggered, to say the wrong thing, or to react in ways you later regret. This does not make you a bad parent, it makes you human. What matters most is what happens next: taking responsibility, returning with openness, and modelling repair. Your ability to come back after conflict is just as important, if not more, than avoiding the conflict in the first place. Let's dissect what may happen If a teen is met with judgement instead of curiosity:

Prolonged emotional distance

Teens may begin to emotionally disconnect, avoiding vulnerability and closeness out of fear of being misunderstood or rejected themselves.

Low self-worth

If identity exploration is punished or invalidated, young people may develop the belief that their feelings. and by extension, they themselves, are unacceptable or broken.

Mental health challenges

Adopted teens already show higher vulnerability to anxiety, depression, and self-harming behaviours. These risks increase when emotional needs go unseen or unmet during periods of intense developmental change.

Secretive behaviour

When teens do not feel safe sharing openly, they may start making decisions in secret. This secrecy is not necessarily about rebellion, it is about creating emotional distance where connection feels unsafe.

Disrupted attachment

If ruptures are not repaired and the relationship becomes chronically strained, teens may come to believe that no relationship, even one built over years, is truly secure.

What next?

While rejection hurts, it does not have to be the end of closeness. In fact, these moments of disconnection can become opportunities for growth, repair, and deepened trust, if handled with steadiness, empathy, and reflection. In the next section, Understanding pushback: A practical guide for adoptive parents, we offer step-by-step tools for navigating these moments, rebuilding connection, and helping your teen feel emotionally safe, even when they are trying to push you away.

Understanding pushback: A practical guide for adoptive parents

When your adopted teen seems to reject you with words, behaviour, or silence, it is easy to feel heartbroken, angry, or even helpless. But this pushback is often a part of a larger emotional and developmental process, especially for young people navigating early loss, identity confusion, and attachment insecurity. Below is a guide to help you stay connected, even when the relationship feels strained.

When faced with rejection or emotional withdrawal, it is easy to respond out of frustration or hurt. But instead of reacting to a slammed door or sharp tone, pause and consider what lies beneath. Often, a teen’s anger is a surface-level expression of more vulnerable emotions, grief, fear, shame, or uncertainty about their place in the world. By reframing these moments as communication rather than confrontation, you can stay connected. You might say, “I can see you're upset. I wonder if something else is going on that’s harder to talk about.” This kind of reflective statement invites openness without pressure.

Adopted teens often experience a push-pull dynamic, meaning they crave closeness but fear rejection. One moment they want space; the next they want reassurance. Naming this pattern aloud, “Sometimes it feels like you want me near and also need distance, and both are okay”, helps them feel seen, even if they cannot yet explain what is happening.

When connection feels fragile, small gestures matter. A favourite snack left quietly on their desk, a shared TV show without conversation, or a note that says, “Thinking of you” can send powerful signals of care. These quiet touchpoints offer emotional stability without demanding reciprocity.

It is also important to uphold clear boundaries while validating feelings. You can let your teen know that their anger is valid, but destructive behaviour is not. For example, “It is okay to be angry, but breaking things isn’t okay. We will talk when we’re both ready.”

To stay grounded in the face of emotional volatility, prioritise your own regulation. Take a breath, lower your voice, and speak calmly. You might say, “This is hard for me too, but I’m here, and we will get through it.”

Keep adoption part of the narrative. If your teen avoids the topic, that does not mean they are not thinking about it. Ask open-ended questions, reflect on their story together, and show them that nothing about their experience is off-limits. Let them know: “You don’t have to protect me from your feelings about adoption. I want to understand them with you.”

Finally, if the dynamic feels too heavy to carry alone, professional support can make a meaningful difference. A therapist with experience in adoption and trauma can help both you and your teen navigate these complexities, while support groups may offer solidarity and fresh insight.

These strategies are not about perfection. They are about staying emotionally available, even when things feel hard, showing your teen that the bond you share is strong enough to withstand conflict, confusion, and growth.

Last thoughts

This month, we have explored the emotional world of adopted teenagers, from navigating reunion thoughts, to balancing identity and independence, and now, understanding what rejection may really be communicating. Each of these topics reveals just how layered and complex the teen years can be, especially when adoption is part of the story. If you are facing pushback or feeling distanced from your teen, know this: you are not alone, and this phase does not define your relationship. With empathy, consistency, and support, connection can be rebuilt - even in the most difficult moments.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team

References

Bowlby, J., 1988. A secure base: Clinical applications of attachment theory. London: Routledge.

Brodzinsky, D.M., 2011. Children’s understanding of adoption: Developmental and clinical implications. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 42(2), pp.200–207.

Erikson, E.H., 1968. Identity: Youth and crisis. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

Sants, H.J., 1964. Genealogical bewilderment in children with substitute parents. British Journal of Medical Psychology, 37(2), pp.133–141.