Adoption through the eyes of birth parents: What we rarely talk about

In most discussions about adoption in the United Kingdom, the focus understandably tends to rest on the experiences of adoptive parents, children, and adopters navigating the adoption process UK. But there is one voice we often leave out of the picture: the birth parent. Whether the decision to place a child for adoption was voluntary or made through legal intervention, the impact on the birth family is profound, long-lasting, and complex. In this blog, we explore adoption through the eyes of birth parents, offering a compassionate and evidence-informed look at their experience, and why their perspective matters.

Why do we need to hear from birth parents?

Incorporating the voices of birth parents allows us to more fully understand the realities of adoption in Britain today. The UK adoption process, particularly in England and Wales, involves a high percentage of non-consensual placements -cases where the child is removed from the birth family due to concerns around neglect, abuse, or risk of harm (Featherstone et al., 2018). These circumstances can lead to immense pain, confusion, and grief for birth parents.

When we fail to listen to birth parents, we risk oversimplifying the adoption process UK and creating a narrative that only highlights the adoptive family's journey. Birth parents often live with unanswered questions, assumptions made about their motivations, and a sense that their voice has been permanently erased from their child's life story. Acknowledging their experience helps dismantle the idea that adoption is purely a new beginning. Instead, it reinforces that adoption, especially in the context of British adoption, often begins with complex and painful endings.

In the past, adoption was often cloaked in secrecy. Parents, especially mothers, were shamed into relinquishing children, with limited contact or information thereafter. Although the modern adoption system offers more openness, including open adoption UK practices, many birth parents still feel silenced. Some are excluded from updates or denied meaningful participation in contact arrangements, despite research showing that sensitive engagement can support everyone involved. Understanding their experience does not mean justifying harm; it means honouring the truth that adoption is built on loss, and that all those impacted deserve compassion, not judgement.

The grief of invisible parents

For birth parents, the loss of a child to adoption is not a one-time event but a lifelong grief. Studies have shown that this grief can be disenfranchised - meaning it is not socially recognised or supported (Logan, 1996). Birth parents may feel unable to talk about their loss or receive the help they need, especially if there is stigma around the circumstances of the adoption.

Research by Neil (2007) has highlighted that many birth parents experience a sense of psychological presence of the child even years after the adoption, with the grief reactivated by reminders such as birthdays, anniversaries, or developmental milestones. In a UK-based longitudinal study, Neil et al. (2010) found that birth mothers often described feeling 'frozen in time', unable to progress emotionally due to the ambiguous nature of their loss - being alive but permanently separated from their child.

Feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, and anger are common. Some parents experience mental health difficulties, especially in the immediate months following placement. A qualitative study by Charlton et al. (1998) also found high rates of anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress among birth mothers following adoption, particularly in cases of involuntary placements. Others may become isolated or re-experience their trauma when seeing children in public spaces or during milestones like birthdays or school years.

Acknowledging the ongoing emotional journey of birth parents reminds us that adoption does not erase biological ties. For many, it creates an emotional wound that can feel impossible to close. Grief that is unseen or unacknowledged is often the hardest to carry, which is why post adoption support should not only extend to adopters and children, but where possible, to birth families as well.

When adoption is involuntary

Many adoptions in the UK are involuntary. A child may be taken into care due to domestic violence, substance misuse, or unsafe parenting - often rooted in poverty, trauma, or generational disadvantage. While the safety of the child is paramount, birth parents can still experience this separation as a form of punishment rather than protection.

Research has found that birth mothers whose children were removed often describe the process as confusing, lacking empathy, and emotionally devastating (Broadhurst & Mason, 2017). When support services are inconsistent or inaccessible, parents may be unable to demonstrate change or meet court-mandated requirements. This reinforces a sense of powerlessness. For adoptive parents, understanding this context does not negate their child's safety or their legal role. It simply means recognising that adoption begins with a rupture, and many birth parents live with profound grief over that rupture.

The role of contact

One of the most significant areas in which birth parents remain connected to their child is through contact. In open adoption UK models, this may include direct or indirect contact, such as letters, life story work, email exchanges, or occasional visits. This connection can help bridge the gap between a child’s past and present, and it plays a vital role in the child's sense of continuity and identity (Neil et al., 2010).

Research suggests that when managed well, contact can benefit the child’s identity development, help birth parents process their grief, and foster a greater sense of honesty and stability between all parties involved (Neil et al., 2010; Biehal et al., 2010). For children, having access to truthful information about their origins can protect against the confusion and identity struggles that may arise during adolescence (Loxterkamp, 2009). For birth parents, even small acts of contact can provide reassurance and a sense of ongoing connection, which can support their emotional wellbeing and reduce disenfranchised grief.

However, contact can also be emotionally complex. Birth parents may feel confused, disappointed, or even retraumatised by limited or inconsistent updates. Adoptive parents may worry about whether contact might destabilise the child or blur boundaries. Studies have shown that unclear expectations, lack of preparation, and inadequate support can make contact difficult to sustain in the long term (Neil, 2012).

What helps is a shared understanding: that contact is not about co-parenting, but about supporting the child’s right to understand where they come from. Structured, supported contact, grounded in therapeutic guidance, can reduce anxiety and strengthen relational trust. Involving professionals trained in theraplay or adoption support can make these interactions more manageable and meaningful for everyone involved.

Why this perspective matters to adoptive families

For adoptive families, especially those adopting siblings or involved in post-adoption support, it can be tempting to distance oneself from the birth family - especially if the child’s early life involved harm. But understanding the birth parent’s experience helps:

• Build empathy for your child’s background and story

• Create more compassionate ways of speaking about their past

• Frame adoption as a complex experience involving love, loss, and growth

• Help your child make sense of their own identity without shame

Even if the relationship is limited or non-existent, your child may still think about their birth family. Speaking respectfully about their birth parents, regardless of the circumstances, helps lay the foundation for healthy identity development.

What birth parents want adoptive families to know

Several UK-based projects have interviewed birth parents about their experiences (e.g. PAC-UK, Adoption UK). Their reflections include:

• “I want to know my child is happy and safe.”

• “I never stopped loving them.”

• “I hope they know I didn’t want this.”

• “Please don’t make me the villain in their story.”

These voices remind us that birth parents are people with complex histories, often shaped by trauma themselves. Compassion does not require us to excuse unsafe behaviour - only to understand its origins.

Finding a path forward

Adoptive parents can hold space for their child’s entire story. This includes the good and the difficult, the known and the unknown. Exploring adoption stories UK from all angles - including from adopters, adoptees, and birth parents - helps create a more honest and resilient narrative for your family.

Practical ways to honour birth parents' perspectives include:

• Reading adoption stories and testimonies from birth families

• Attending theraplay training UK that includes modules on grief and loss

• Talking to your child about their story with openness and sensitivity

• Supporting contact when appropriate and safe

• Connecting with forums such as the adoption UK forum or adoptee forum UK

Final thoughts

Adoption is never a single-sided story. Whether you are navigating the adoption process in England, caring for a child adopted from infancy, or supporting a child through questions of identity, birth parents remain part of the narrative. Listening to their voices, even when painful or complex, strengthens the fabric of adoption for everyone involved.

Compassion for birth parents is not incompatible with loyalty to your child. In fact, it may be one of the most powerful ways you can show love: by honouring every part of their story.

Speak soon,

The Walk Together Team