When people think about adoption, the focus is often on the birth mother, the adoptive parents, and the child. But birth fathers play an important role in the adoption process, too. Their rights, feelings, and experiences are sometimes misunderstood or overlooked, yet they can have a major impact on the outcome of an adoption. In this blog, we will explore the role of birth fathers in detail. We will cover their legal rights, their emotional journey, and their potential involvement in the child’s life. Our aim in this blog is to help adoptive parents, birth parents, and anyone involved in adoption to better understand the experiences and contributions of birth fathers.
Understanding the legal rights of birth fathers
Legal rights are a key part of the adoption process, and birth fathers’ rights are sometimes unclear or misunderstood. The rights of birth fathers can depend on factors such as their relationship with the birth mother and whether they are legally recognised as the child’s father.
One important factor is paternity. If a birth father is married to the birth mother at the time of the child’s birth, he is automatically considered the legal father. In other cases, a birth father may need to establish paternity through legal means. Without legal paternity, a birth father may not have the right to be involved in the adoption decision (Child Welfare Information Gateway, 2022).
Another important aspect is consent to adoption. In many cases, birth fathers must give their consent for the adoption to proceed. However, there are exceptions, such as if the birth father cannot be located or if he has not been involved in the child’s life.
Some regions have putative father registries, where unmarried fathers can register their claim to parental rights. If a birth father does not register, he may lose the opportunity to contest an adoption (Fitzgerald, 2020).
Legal processes can be confusing and emotionally challenging. Birth fathers who understand their rights are more likely to feel empowered and respected during the adoption process.
The emotional journey of birth fathers
Birth fathers may feel excluded from the process, particularly if they were not part of the decision-making. Their emotional experiences are deeply personal but are often overlooked in adoption narratives.
Grief and loss
Grief is one of the most profound emotions birth fathers face. Even if they support the adoption, they may experience deep sorrow, mourning the absence of their child in their daily life (Silverman & Feigelman, 2021). This grief can be complicated and may manifest in unexpected ways, such as withdrawal from relationships, difficulty focusing, or sudden emotional outbursts. Unlike a death, adoption grief is often a form of disenfranchised grief, meaning society may not fully acknowledge or validate their loss (Doka, 2002).
Guilt and regret
Feelings of guilt are common, especially if birth fathers believe they should have done more to parent their child or if they regret decisions made under pressure. Some fathers replay events leading up to the adoption, wondering how different choices could have changed the outcome. This regret can be particularly intense if the father feels that financial instability, youth, or lack of support contributed to the adoption decision. According to Neil (2019), unresolved guilt can lead to long-term emotional distress, such as depression or anxiety.
Isolation and exclusion
Birth fathers often experience social isolation, as their emotional needs are rarely addressed within the adoption process. Support services frequently focus on birth mothers, leaving fathers to process their emotions alone. Without access to counselling or peer support, they may feel unheard and invisible. This isolation is compounded by societal assumptions that men should be less affected by the loss or that their involvement was minimal. As Clapton (2021) highlights, these stereotypes can discourage birth fathers from seeking help, further deepening their isolation.
Anger and frustration
Anger is another common response, particularly if birth fathers feel they were excluded from the adoption process or pressured into agreeing to the adoption. Their anger may be directed at the birth mother, adoption agencies, or the legal system. This frustration can sometimes mask deeper emotions, such as sadness and powerlessness. Research by Frasch (2020) suggests that birth fathers who are not given a voice in the adoption process are more likely to experience prolonged feelings of resentment.
Longing for connection and identity struggles
Many birth fathers wrestle with questions about their child’s life, development, and well-being. This longing can be particularly intense around special dates, such as the child’s birthday or holidays. Additionally, some fathers experience an identity crisis, questioning their role as a parent and whether they are still a father despite not raising the child. These feelings are often compounded if the adoption is closed, leaving the father with unanswered questions and unresolved emotions.
Acceptance and healing
Despite these challenges, many birth fathers reach a place of acceptance, particularly in open adoptions where they can witness their child’s growth and happiness (Neil, 2019). Contact through letters, photos, or visits can offer reassurance and help them find peace with their decision. Participation in support groups or counselling also helps many fathers process their emotions and integrate their experience into their life story. Healing is not about forgetting but about finding meaning and resolution in their journey as a birth father.
Birth fathers and open adoption
Open adoption is becoming more common, and it offers new opportunities for birth fathers to stay connected with their child. In an open adoption, the birth parents and adoptive parents agree to some level of contact, which may include letters, photos, or visits.
For birth fathers, open adoption can provide:
Reassurance: Seeing their child happy and well cared for can ease feelings of loss or guilt.
A continuing bond: Some birth fathers appreciate the chance to maintain a relationship with their child.
Closure and understanding: Open communication with the adoptive family can help resolve feelings of uncertainty.
However, open adoption also requires careful boundaries and communication. It is important for everyone involved to be clear about expectations and to work together in the best interests of the child (Frasch, 2020).
Challenges faced by birth fathers
Birth fathers can face many challenges during the adoption process, including legal, emotional, and social obstacles.
Lack of information: Birth fathers are sometimes not fully informed about their rights or the adoption process. This can lead to feelings of confusion and frustration.
Legal complexity: The legal system can be difficult to navigate, especially for fathers who are unmarried or who live in different regions from the birth mother.
Social stigma: Society often portrays birth fathers as absent or uncaring, which can discourage them from seeking involvement in the adoption process (Clapton, 2021).
Emotional strain: The feelings of grief, regret, and powerlessness can be overwhelming, especially if they are excluded from decision-making.
Limited support: Birth fathers may struggle to find counselling or peer support groups that understand their experiences.
By understanding these challenges, adoptive parents and professionals can create more inclusive adoption experiences that respect and value birth fathers' roles.
How adoptive parents can support birth fathers
Adoptive parents can play an important role in helping birth fathers feel included and respected.
Acknowledge their role: Recognise that birth fathers are part of the child’s story, even if they are not actively involved.
Support open adoption: If appropriate, include the birth father in updates or visits. This can strengthen the child’s sense of identity.
Share information: Be willing to answer questions from the child about their birth father and provide any information the birth father has shared.
Promote understanding: Educate friends and family about the importance of birth fathers in the adoption journey.
Respect boundaries: Understand that every adoption relationship is unique and that birth fathers may have different comfort levels with contact.
What can help birth fathers through the adoption process
Birth fathers often face significant emotional challenges during the adoption process, but there are specific actions, resources, and support systems that can help them navigate their journey. Providing tailored support for birth fathers is essential for their well-being and can help them find peace with their role in the adoption story. Below are concrete ways to help birth fathers before, during, and after the adoption process.
1. Access to specialised counselling services
Counselling can be a crucial lifeline for birth fathers. However, it is essential that the counselling is tailored to their unique experiences. Helpful counselling services should include:
Grief and loss support: Therapists trained in adoption-related grief can help birth fathers process their feelings of loss and regret (Silverman & Feigelman, 2021).
Trauma-informed care: Many birth fathers experience trauma from feeling powerless during the adoption process. Counsellors who understand trauma can help them work through anger, sadness, and confusion.
Post-adoption support groups: Group therapy with other birth fathers can reduce feelings of isolation and foster a sense of community. Organisations like Birth Fathers First and PAC-UK offer peer-led support groups.
2. Legal guidance and advocacy
A major source of stress for birth fathers is confusion about their rights and responsibilities. Providing clear legal support can help them feel empowered rather than excluded. Helpful actions include:
Pre-adoption legal advice: Ensuring birth fathers understand their rights regarding consent, paternity, and contact agreements.
Assistance with putative father registries: Helping unmarried fathers register to protect their rights (Fitzgerald, 2020).
Advocacy in adoption planning: Supporting birth fathers to participate in choosing the adoptive family and establishing contact agreements if they wish to pursue an open adoption.
3. Inclusion in the adoption process
Birth fathers often feel invisible during adoption planning. Inclusive practices can empower them and improve their emotional outcomes:
Involving birth fathers in decision-making: Encourage birth fathers to participate in selecting the adoptive family, attending meetings with adoption agencies, and contributing to the adoption plan.
Offering birth father-only sessions: Adoption agencies should offer sessions tailored to birth fathers, covering their role, rights, and feelings.
Creating birth father letters: Encourage birth fathers to write letters for their child, sharing their story and reasons for the adoption. These letters can be meaningful for the child as they grow.
4. Post-adoption contact and openness
Maintaining some level of contact with their child can bring reassurance and healing for birth fathers. Open adoption agreements can include:
Photo and letter updates: Receiving regular updates about their child’s life can ease feelings of loss and provide comfort.
Video calls or in-person visits: Where appropriate, ongoing contact can help the birth father maintain a sense of connection.
Annual reflections: An opportunity for both adoptive parents and birth fathers to reflect on their relationship and discuss future contact levels.
5. Opportunities for memorialising and closure
For many birth fathers, creating something meaningful to honour their child helps them process grief. Examples include:
Writing journals or letters: Encouraging birth fathers to document their feelings for their child to read in the future.
Planting a tree or creating a memory box: Symbolic acts that help birth fathers express their love and create a lasting tribute to their child.
Participating in annual remembrance services: Events such as National Adoption Week can provide an opportunity for reflection and solidarity with others who share similar experiences.
6. Peer support from other birth fathers
Many birth fathers feel alone in their experiences. Peer support can reduce isolation and create a community where their feelings are validated. Ways to facilitate this include:
Birth father mentoring programs: Matching experienced birth fathers with those who are new to the adoption process.
Online forums and support groups: Platforms like Adoption UK and Birth Father Support Network offer safe spaces for sharing experiences and seeking advice.
Social media groups: Private Facebook groups or online communities tailored to birth fathers.
7. Educational resources and preparation programs
Providing education tailored to birth fathers can empower them with knowledge and confidence. Effective resources include:
Workshops on adoption and fatherhood: Covering topics such as open adoption, coping with grief, and maintaining connections.
Books and articles: Offering birth father-centric materials, such as Out of the Shadows: Birth Fathers' Stories by Mary Strickroth.
Podcasts and webinars: Sharing birth father experiences to help normalise their feelings and provide insight into others' journeys.
8. Long-term support networks
Support should not end after the adoption is finalised. Long-term resources can help birth fathers process their emotions over time:
Alumni programs from adoption agencies: Allowing birth fathers to stay connected with agency services and attend follow-up counselling sessions.
Annual retreats for birth parents: Providing opportunities to reconnect with others who share similar experiences.
Check-ins on significant dates: Agencies can offer outreach on anniversaries, such as the child’s birthday or Father’s Day, which can be emotionally challenging times.
9. Encouragement to maintain self-care and wellness
Supporting birth fathers' mental and physical health can help them navigate their emotions more effectively:
Promoting healthy routines: Encouraging regular sleep, exercise, and mindfulness practices.
Connecting with therapists who specialise in men’s mental health: Providing safe spaces for expressing difficult emotions.
Supporting creative outlets: Activities such as writing, art, or music can help birth fathers process their feelings.
By building a positive relationship with the birth father, adoptive parents help create a strong and secure identity for their child.
Birth fathers are an important part of the adoption process, yet their role is often misunderstood or overlooked. By recognising their legal rights, emotional journey, and potential for involvement, we can create more inclusive and compassionate adoption experiences. Open adoption can provide opportunities for birth fathers to stay connected, while adoptive parents can play a key role in fostering respectful and supportive relationships. Every adoption story is unique, but all birth fathers deserve to be seen, heard, and valued.
Speak soon,
The Walk Together Team
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